Smitty's Silly Game Preview: Chicago F*re

A full-fledged, unabashed, Smitty's Silly Game Preview? Like the Weezer song and this absurd Frankie Hejduk rumor, say it ain't so! This week the Crew will be looking to light up some roman candles, bottle rockets, and sidewinders (just don't call them "f*reworks"...) against the inbred filth from Chicago. And maybe on this proud 4th of July, you're looking for someone to light your fuse? Whatever you do, get all your smokebombs and poppers out of your system before heading into Crew Stadium, but please bring your red, white, and blue streamers to the House that Lamar Built. FSC wants a good show...

CHICAGO F*IRE


WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Cuauhtemoc Blanco is a pretentious little ass, and not just because of all the whining and diving he does on the pitch; his name is an affront to readers all over the world. Two "U"s? Who the hell does this guy think he is?

Word has it though that Blanco is Schelotto's "Buiutch".

NEW ADDITIONS: Jon Busch, former Crew keeper, was rumored to have one of the larger Mo Johnstons in MLS. However, due to leaving the Massive club last year, he was forced to have some "corrective surgery." His new team nickname is "Slot".

BIGGEST HOLES TO FILL: Sooooooooooooooo not going there...

2008 PREDICTION: Millions of fans will suddenly realize the severe political incorrectness of naming a Chicago team after one of the city's worst tragedies and demand the F*re change their name. After much deliberation, the team will be known as the "Ferris Bueller's Day Off(Side)".

Match Preview here.

GAME PREDICTION: Not making one, though with The Polish Rifle Bob Warzycha (and for those not in the know, it's "var-ZEE-ha") at the helm, I think the Crew will put forth an effort our forefathers could be proud of. If they would've known and understood the game of soccer, that is.