With all due respect to Peter Frampton(however little that is), this is much cooler:
Kudos to anyone and everyone over at Alive who clearly gets it. Nice to see the print news doing better photo journalism than any of the television news in town.
Showing posts with label Video. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Video. Show all posts
Monday, October 6, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Watch it.
The video of the highlights from the last Crew-Revs game, that is. I dare ya:
Notice anything?
For one, speed kills the defending Eastern Conference Champs. New England's "vaunted" defense couldn't contain Robbie Rogers, Frankie Hejduk, or Eddie Gaven back in April. Yes, you read that Eddie Gaven part right, as he's faster than most of us think. In fact, look back at last season to see how well Gaven, Rogers, and the rest of the boys did against New England:
Watching that game, you should also bear in mind that guys like Tim Ward and Rusty Pierce are no longer a part of this team on defense, and Chad Marshall wasn't there. But on offense, the Crew have no problems beating guys like Ralston, Parkhurst, and Joseph. Granted, we lose two big players with Hejduk and Moreno playing for country this weekend. But I'm eager to see what guys like Evans, Ekpo, Zayner, and even Lenhart can bring to the table. Also, let's not forget some guy named Noonan has this date circled on his calendar.
But you don't even have to look just at the Crew's pwnage of the center of the pitch vs. the Revs for evidence they are lighter that people give them credit for. Joe Public showed what they can do, albeit against a fairly limited mix of reserves and regulars, in their CONCACAF whuppin' of New Engand 6-1 on aggregate. But watch the highlights of the Galaxy - Revs game from last week:
Neither Parkhurst nor Badilla can keep up. Granted, Lando Cal-prissycakes is pretty damn fast, but as we've mentioned, Rogers, Evans, Ekpo, and yes, even Gaven, have enough moves to get past what passes for the plodding, mud-footed Revs defense these days.
But the way you truly dismantle a team like New England? You've got to have someone who can make precision passes, someone who has the weight of the world and the eye of the needle all on his feet. You need someone who can spring our speed when it's least expected, and thus, most deadly.
Know anyone like that?
And certainly, when it comes to great games, Guille has had them against the Revs. His monster 30-yard game winner against the Revs in October was the Crew's Goal of the Year, and he also created the chance Robbie Rogers cracked off the crossbar that gave Eddie Gaven the tap in for his goal. Fortunately for New Engand, he's not the hottest player in MLS right now, so maybe he won't be on his game...
Oh, wait. He's the guy who has the golden touch in MLS. In 22 games this year, Guille has hit 16 assists and 5 goals. 21 goals created in 22 games? Son, it don't get much better. As of late, it seems he's been able to put the ball on the head of anything larger than a pin, and those non-pin-sized heads are finding ways to put the ball in the net. But let's not forget that Guille has also got the staggering ability to play a yo-yo one touch with the best of them, and can play a ball that has the keeper pulling out a compass and protractor.
In sports, there's always a team that everyone has to go through if they want to be on top. In the Eastern Conference of MLS, that's the Revs. But on any team that overthrows an incumbent champion, one player usually rises up to lop the head off of the proverbial dragon. The Crew have just that player in Schelotto.
Will the Crew beat the Revs on Saturday night, with all of MLS watching? Who knows. But Crew fans should be livid if the Crew don't shut down the faltering New England side once and for all. They clearly have the tools and talent to do it.
Notice anything?
For one, speed kills the defending Eastern Conference Champs. New England's "vaunted" defense couldn't contain Robbie Rogers, Frankie Hejduk, or Eddie Gaven back in April. Yes, you read that Eddie Gaven part right, as he's faster than most of us think. In fact, look back at last season to see how well Gaven, Rogers, and the rest of the boys did against New England:
Watching that game, you should also bear in mind that guys like Tim Ward and Rusty Pierce are no longer a part of this team on defense, and Chad Marshall wasn't there. But on offense, the Crew have no problems beating guys like Ralston, Parkhurst, and Joseph. Granted, we lose two big players with Hejduk and Moreno playing for country this weekend. But I'm eager to see what guys like Evans, Ekpo, Zayner, and even Lenhart can bring to the table. Also, let's not forget some guy named Noonan has this date circled on his calendar.
But you don't even have to look just at the Crew's pwnage of the center of the pitch vs. the Revs for evidence they are lighter that people give them credit for. Joe Public showed what they can do, albeit against a fairly limited mix of reserves and regulars, in their CONCACAF whuppin' of New Engand 6-1 on aggregate. But watch the highlights of the Galaxy - Revs game from last week:
Neither Parkhurst nor Badilla can keep up. Granted, Lando Cal-prissycakes is pretty damn fast, but as we've mentioned, Rogers, Evans, Ekpo, and yes, even Gaven, have enough moves to get past what passes for the plodding, mud-footed Revs defense these days.
But the way you truly dismantle a team like New England? You've got to have someone who can make precision passes, someone who has the weight of the world and the eye of the needle all on his feet. You need someone who can spring our speed when it's least expected, and thus, most deadly.
Know anyone like that?
And certainly, when it comes to great games, Guille has had them against the Revs. His monster 30-yard game winner against the Revs in October was the Crew's Goal of the Year, and he also created the chance Robbie Rogers cracked off the crossbar that gave Eddie Gaven the tap in for his goal. Fortunately for New Engand, he's not the hottest player in MLS right now, so maybe he won't be on his game...
Oh, wait. He's the guy who has the golden touch in MLS. In 22 games this year, Guille has hit 16 assists and 5 goals. 21 goals created in 22 games? Son, it don't get much better. As of late, it seems he's been able to put the ball on the head of anything larger than a pin, and those non-pin-sized heads are finding ways to put the ball in the net. But let's not forget that Guille has also got the staggering ability to play a yo-yo one touch with the best of them, and can play a ball that has the keeper pulling out a compass and protractor.
In sports, there's always a team that everyone has to go through if they want to be on top. In the Eastern Conference of MLS, that's the Revs. But on any team that overthrows an incumbent champion, one player usually rises up to lop the head off of the proverbial dragon. The Crew have just that player in Schelotto.
Will the Crew beat the Revs on Saturday night, with all of MLS watching? Who knows. But Crew fans should be livid if the Crew don't shut down the faltering New England side once and for all. They clearly have the tools and talent to do it.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
(Saturday) Morning Afterthoughts: Video Redux
Some random thoughts heading into the All-Star Break:
- The Crew have scored 27 goals, but given up 25. We're 3rd best in goals scored, 3rd worst in goals against. But we're looking for strikers?
Yep, and rightly so, at least for now. While the defense needs a shot in the arm, our offense is losing it's two biggest threats. Ekpo and Rogers are a nightmare for defenders who are just learning how to work it out. They spread out the field, which is giving Guille more room to work his magic and Moreno more freedom to hold the ball and hit them as they make runs. Remember last year when we couldn't score? Neither of those guys were on the pitch...
- Still, the defense needs help. Danny O'Whoops and Andy I-slow can't seem to get it together, and Frankie has had a bad run of form the last few weeks.
My advice: How's about we spend that DP money on Marcos Gonzalez? I keed, I keed.
- Drumming for the entire game is harder than it looks. I brought two friends and some marching band drums, and we tried to keep up with La Turbina. We had slightly better rhythm, but no where near the stamina.
And yes, that's what she said.
- Best atmosphere ever in the Nordecke. I also noticed the entire stadium standing last night towards the end of the game when the Crew looked like they might score. Nice to see.
- Wolff was not offside on the goal, mainly because Iro was in too deep without marking anyone and O'Rourke whiffed.
- The ref did not call two blatant handballs, or anything that happened to Robbie Rogers. Can we all chip in and buy him a jersey that says "Beckham 23" for when he gets back from China?
- With our wings gone, I think we should move Moreno to one of the wings, and put Lenhart up top as our holding forward. At the very least, the kid should see 20 minutes every game until he stops putting the ball in the back of the net.
Now for the videos:
Guille with a clutch goal to open the floodgates:
Moreno's goal and Celebration with Columbus' Finest Fans:
There's a goal and an assist for Schelotto, by the way.
Chad Marshall with a beautiful upper-90 goal, and a great reaction from the crowd!
By the way: Jimmy Conrad got flat out owned on this goal. Beaten like a rented mule, by a country mile, and worse than a red-headed step child. How is he an All-Star and Guille not?
While we're jersey shopping for Rogers, maybe we should also get Schelotto a number 10 jersey that says "Blanco" on it so the other MLS idiot soccer fans and the league office will pay attention to him. He's having one of the 5 best seasons in MLS this year.
Why we're going to miss Emmanuelle Ekpo:
Why we'll miss Robbie Rogers:
Pertaining to the last two videos: Go Holland and Japan! Please knock Nigeria and the US out in group play. Thank you.
And go figure: MLS doesn't have the video of Golden Boy Jimmy Conrad getting pwned by The Cabbage Patch Kid on it's quick kicks section. Fancy that. Sure Lenhart fouled him, but I don't know what the technical term is for what Conrad was doing to keep Lenhart from blowing by him. Arm-barring? Half-nelson? It has to be a wrestling term. Kudos for Lennie getting into it with Conrad after the fact. I'm actually sad somone didn't do to him what Virtuoso did last year...
Counting Frankie's miss and two sitter crosses that were not converted(one by Moreno, one by Robbie), as well as Robbie's shots that were blocked, the Crew had the better run of play, and could have won this game 4-3 or 5-2. Instead, we lose 2 points at home, yet remain a game ahead of everyone except New England for now (though some teams have a game in hand on us.) About as good of a first half as we could have expected, all told.
Finally, on a NCR note, "The Dark Knight" is the best movie I've ever seen. Even better than "Step Up 2: In the Streetz." Best quote: "I'm like a dog chasing cars..." Trust me, when you see it, it will make sense.
Bring on the Hammers this Sunday. You going?
- The Crew have scored 27 goals, but given up 25. We're 3rd best in goals scored, 3rd worst in goals against. But we're looking for strikers?
Yep, and rightly so, at least for now. While the defense needs a shot in the arm, our offense is losing it's two biggest threats. Ekpo and Rogers are a nightmare for defenders who are just learning how to work it out. They spread out the field, which is giving Guille more room to work his magic and Moreno more freedom to hold the ball and hit them as they make runs. Remember last year when we couldn't score? Neither of those guys were on the pitch...
- Still, the defense needs help. Danny O'Whoops and Andy I-slow can't seem to get it together, and Frankie has had a bad run of form the last few weeks.
My advice: How's about we spend that DP money on Marcos Gonzalez? I keed, I keed.
- Drumming for the entire game is harder than it looks. I brought two friends and some marching band drums, and we tried to keep up with La Turbina. We had slightly better rhythm, but no where near the stamina.
And yes, that's what she said.
- Best atmosphere ever in the Nordecke. I also noticed the entire stadium standing last night towards the end of the game when the Crew looked like they might score. Nice to see.
- Wolff was not offside on the goal, mainly because Iro was in too deep without marking anyone and O'Rourke whiffed.
- The ref did not call two blatant handballs, or anything that happened to Robbie Rogers. Can we all chip in and buy him a jersey that says "Beckham 23" for when he gets back from China?
- With our wings gone, I think we should move Moreno to one of the wings, and put Lenhart up top as our holding forward. At the very least, the kid should see 20 minutes every game until he stops putting the ball in the back of the net.
Now for the videos:
Guille with a clutch goal to open the floodgates:
Moreno's goal and Celebration with Columbus' Finest Fans:
There's a goal and an assist for Schelotto, by the way.
Chad Marshall with a beautiful upper-90 goal, and a great reaction from the crowd!
By the way: Jimmy Conrad got flat out owned on this goal. Beaten like a rented mule, by a country mile, and worse than a red-headed step child. How is he an All-Star and Guille not?
While we're jersey shopping for Rogers, maybe we should also get Schelotto a number 10 jersey that says "Blanco" on it so the other MLS idiot soccer fans and the league office will pay attention to him. He's having one of the 5 best seasons in MLS this year.
Why we're going to miss Emmanuelle Ekpo:
Why we'll miss Robbie Rogers:
Pertaining to the last two videos: Go Holland and Japan! Please knock Nigeria and the US out in group play. Thank you.
And go figure: MLS doesn't have the video of Golden Boy Jimmy Conrad getting pwned by The Cabbage Patch Kid on it's quick kicks section. Fancy that. Sure Lenhart fouled him, but I don't know what the technical term is for what Conrad was doing to keep Lenhart from blowing by him. Arm-barring? Half-nelson? It has to be a wrestling term. Kudos for Lennie getting into it with Conrad after the fact. I'm actually sad somone didn't do to him what Virtuoso did last year...
Counting Frankie's miss and two sitter crosses that were not converted(one by Moreno, one by Robbie), as well as Robbie's shots that were blocked, the Crew had the better run of play, and could have won this game 4-3 or 5-2. Instead, we lose 2 points at home, yet remain a game ahead of everyone except New England for now (though some teams have a game in hand on us.) About as good of a first half as we could have expected, all told.
Finally, on a NCR note, "The Dark Knight" is the best movie I've ever seen. Even better than "Step Up 2: In the Streetz." Best quote: "I'm like a dog chasing cars..." Trust me, when you see it, it will make sense.
Bring on the Hammers this Sunday. You going?
Friday, July 11, 2008
Smitty's Silly Game Preview: @ Real Salt Lake
The Crew are in the midst of a four game unbeaten streak, which nearly makes up for the four game scoreless streak they had prior to that. Trying to thwart the Crew from staying undefeated in their last 5 is a team undefeated at home in 2008. But seriously, is Salt Lake for "Real"?
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...*tear....ahahahaha.....whew....I crack myself up.
REAL SALT LAKE
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: RSL Boss Jason Kreis is suspended yet again for comments he made criticizing the refs after a 0-0 draw with Houston last week. Kreis will miss the next two games and pay $2,000 to MLS.
In other news, apparently MLS coaches are only paid enough that $2,000 is looked upon as a financial penalty. What do they do for a 3rd offense? Take away your Rollover minutes?
NEW ADDITIONS: RSL's new stadium will be hosting the MLS All-Star game in 2009. However, none of the RSL players will be expected to play in it.
BIGGEST HOLES TO FILL: The mouths of any dependents of Jason Kreis over the next few weeks. They might be in need of some mac n' cheese and orange drink.
2008 PREDICTION: Mormons don't believe in your voodoo witchcraft.
Match Preview here.
Finally, for those who have never seen it, here's a South Park explanation of the Mormon faith.
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...*tear....ahahahaha.....whew....I crack myself up.
REAL SALT LAKE
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: RSL Boss Jason Kreis is suspended yet again for comments he made criticizing the refs after a 0-0 draw with Houston last week. Kreis will miss the next two games and pay $2,000 to MLS.
In other news, apparently MLS coaches are only paid enough that $2,000 is looked upon as a financial penalty. What do they do for a 3rd offense? Take away your Rollover minutes?
NEW ADDITIONS: RSL's new stadium will be hosting the MLS All-Star game in 2009. However, none of the RSL players will be expected to play in it.
BIGGEST HOLES TO FILL: The mouths of any dependents of Jason Kreis over the next few weeks. They might be in need of some mac n' cheese and orange drink.
2008 PREDICTION: Mormons don't believe in your voodoo witchcraft.
Match Preview here.
GAME PREDICTION:Robbie Rogers, stoked from his MLS All-Star assignment, gets a goal, and Guille gets one as well. Crew win 2-0.
Finally, for those who have never seen it, here's a South Park explanation of the Mormon faith.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Gut Check for Garber
If you missed the Open Cup between DC and Chicago this week, you missed a firecracker of a game. While DC advanced to the next round, they were nearly beaten to death by the Chicago Fire's hacking, flailing, no-talent club that is getting worse by the second.
Here are the highlights, assuming MLS isn't stifling the freedom of the press:
Fist, you'll note John "I'm getting beat by 74 year-old Jaime Moreno" Thorrington absolutely clobber High May from behind, which should have drawn straight red. Instead, because USSF-sanctioned refs are terrible, he merely saw yellow. What Thorrington did would be enough to be tied up and shot in some parts of the world. Here? He gets to finish the game...
But all hell broke loose when the Hunchback of Nacho Libre (Blanco) punched DC's Clyde Simms in the gut while trying to get him to let go of the ball (I guess?). A scuffle ensued that allowed Marc Burch to shove Blanco to the ground, at which point Blanco jumped up and attempted to gouge Simms eye. Fortunately, the ref did agree to let Blanco see red, which in turn only escalated the problem. Reportedly, Blanco spit on one of the officials, headbutted a DC team official, and threw a streamer.
Don Garber asked for the tape on that third one.
Those accusations have led the Chicago Fire Vice President of Communications Craig Elkin to give the following "account" of what Blanco did:
That's right ladies and gentlemen: you can all rest easy, as Craig Elkin has assured us that Blanco merely let his forehead graze the cheek or jaw area of a DC official. What, did they cuddle afterwards? Who paid for dinner? Does Blanco put out?
But at least Elkin did something to acknowledge a situation that actually happened. Don Garber hasn't said more than two words on the matter, nor has putz in training, Ivan Gazidis. Honestly, can't you picture both of them hiding under their desks at MLS HQ, texting each other on whether or not it's safe to come out yet? Even though the inssue involves their players, the sad reality is that no one really knows what MLS is going to do about this situation, because:
1. It was an Open Cup game, and thus, not an MLS-sanctioned match.
2. Blanco makes the league a lot of money
3. Don Garber seems to change his mind each week on what the rules are, so no doubt, he has plenty of room to play with this MLS-team-in-a-non-MLS-match.
Fortunately, USSF, which would technically have oversight of MLS, is looking at the tape, and will hopefully sit Blanco down or at least fine him a good chunk of change. But in my mind, the league has to send a clear message that they will not tolerate this behavior from their players. How can you not suspend a player for taking a swing at another player? What if he had actually connected to a less protected area, like the face or groin? Part of Blanco's salary is on MLS's books (the majority is paid by the Chicago ownership group, since he is a designated player), so he should be held accountable as a league employee, let alone as one of it's most visible representatives. If I'm the face of a big corporation, and I punch someone in a barfight, doesn't it make my organization look bad? Shouldn't they have to do something to me to keep the stock holders happy?
Well, MLS doesn't have stock holders. They have a group of fans who want to see the league rise to new heights. And one of the players MLS purposefully hitched their wagon to has a known history of violence against players and the media, and he is acting out again. The league must act firmly and quickly.
But my guess is that MLS will throw all their "Fair Play" objectives under the rug, and let Blanco waltz right onto whatever pitch he wants to until the season is over. We've already seen how they bend the rules for certain teams (L.A.) who are making money for the league. Certainly, any lenience Blanco receives is due as much to the fact that he sells a lot of jerseys and tickets as anything else. Money talks, and Don Garber has the spine of a jellyfish; I'd expect Blanco to wear brass knuckles on the field and get them spit-shined by the 4th official.
Imagine if David Stern was the Commisioner of MLS. Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest know all to well how he treats situations like this.
Once again, MLS has a chance to show they are a legit league that has a structure and a set of rules that don't change based on the name on the back or front of your jersey. They could show everyone that they are cracking down on rough play, and not making special exceptions for certain players. Instead, the league will most likely, in trademark fashion, send out a press release around 5pm on Friday that says they "harshly condemn" Blanco's actions but will not sanction him for it. Or they'll say nothing at all.
Either way, MLS loses. Too bad Blanco will have to miss the opening round of the U.S. Open Cup in 2009. I'm sure he's learned his lesson.
On the bright side for Crew fans, if I'm Brian McBride, do I really want to be anywhere near that cancer-riddled locker room for my reunion tour? We've still got a locker for ya in Columbus, Brian. Don't take the dust covers off of the couch and chairs in the Chicago home just yet.
Here are the highlights, assuming MLS isn't stifling the freedom of the press:
Fist, you'll note John "I'm getting beat by 74 year-old Jaime Moreno" Thorrington absolutely clobber High May from behind, which should have drawn straight red. Instead, because USSF-sanctioned refs are terrible, he merely saw yellow. What Thorrington did would be enough to be tied up and shot in some parts of the world. Here? He gets to finish the game...
But all hell broke loose when the Hunchback of Nacho Libre (Blanco) punched DC's Clyde Simms in the gut while trying to get him to let go of the ball (I guess?). A scuffle ensued that allowed Marc Burch to shove Blanco to the ground, at which point Blanco jumped up and attempted to gouge Simms eye. Fortunately, the ref did agree to let Blanco see red, which in turn only escalated the problem. Reportedly, Blanco spit on one of the officials, headbutted a DC team official, and threw a streamer.
Don Garber asked for the tape on that third one.
Those accusations have led the Chicago Fire Vice President of Communications Craig Elkin to give the following "account" of what Blanco did:
"[Blanco] did stop at the bench to pick up whatever and the guy got on him, and when he turned to leave, his forehead did graze the cheek or jaw area," Elkin said.
That's right ladies and gentlemen: you can all rest easy, as Craig Elkin has assured us that Blanco merely let his forehead graze the cheek or jaw area of a DC official. What, did they cuddle afterwards? Who paid for dinner? Does Blanco put out?
But at least Elkin did something to acknowledge a situation that actually happened. Don Garber hasn't said more than two words on the matter, nor has putz in training, Ivan Gazidis. Honestly, can't you picture both of them hiding under their desks at MLS HQ, texting each other on whether or not it's safe to come out yet? Even though the inssue involves their players, the sad reality is that no one really knows what MLS is going to do about this situation, because:
1. It was an Open Cup game, and thus, not an MLS-sanctioned match.
2. Blanco makes the league a lot of money
3. Don Garber seems to change his mind each week on what the rules are, so no doubt, he has plenty of room to play with this MLS-team-in-a-non-MLS-match.
Fortunately, USSF, which would technically have oversight of MLS, is looking at the tape, and will hopefully sit Blanco down or at least fine him a good chunk of change. But in my mind, the league has to send a clear message that they will not tolerate this behavior from their players. How can you not suspend a player for taking a swing at another player? What if he had actually connected to a less protected area, like the face or groin? Part of Blanco's salary is on MLS's books (the majority is paid by the Chicago ownership group, since he is a designated player), so he should be held accountable as a league employee, let alone as one of it's most visible representatives. If I'm the face of a big corporation, and I punch someone in a barfight, doesn't it make my organization look bad? Shouldn't they have to do something to me to keep the stock holders happy?
Well, MLS doesn't have stock holders. They have a group of fans who want to see the league rise to new heights. And one of the players MLS purposefully hitched their wagon to has a known history of violence against players and the media, and he is acting out again. The league must act firmly and quickly.
But my guess is that MLS will throw all their "Fair Play" objectives under the rug, and let Blanco waltz right onto whatever pitch he wants to until the season is over. We've already seen how they bend the rules for certain teams (L.A.) who are making money for the league. Certainly, any lenience Blanco receives is due as much to the fact that he sells a lot of jerseys and tickets as anything else. Money talks, and Don Garber has the spine of a jellyfish; I'd expect Blanco to wear brass knuckles on the field and get them spit-shined by the 4th official.
Imagine if David Stern was the Commisioner of MLS. Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest know all to well how he treats situations like this.
Once again, MLS has a chance to show they are a legit league that has a structure and a set of rules that don't change based on the name on the back or front of your jersey. They could show everyone that they are cracking down on rough play, and not making special exceptions for certain players. Instead, the league will most likely, in trademark fashion, send out a press release around 5pm on Friday that says they "harshly condemn" Blanco's actions but will not sanction him for it. Or they'll say nothing at all.
Either way, MLS loses. Too bad Blanco will have to miss the opening round of the U.S. Open Cup in 2009. I'm sure he's learned his lesson.
On the bright side for Crew fans, if I'm Brian McBride, do I really want to be anywhere near that cancer-riddled locker room for my reunion tour? We've still got a locker for ya in Columbus, Brian. Don't take the dust covers off of the couch and chairs in the Chicago home just yet.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Morning Afterthoughts: Worshipping a False God.
I know it's Sunday, and many of you good Hooligans duly celebrated your Sabbath on Saturday, doing no work, and worshipping at the Church of Lamar as the Crew came back to earn a point against the evil Chicago F*re 2-2. Last night at that fabled steel shrine, in the absence of Pope Sigmund the Round, we saw many sins committed: lazy defending on the part of Deacons O'Rourke and Iro, officiating that was inconsistent and willfully ignorant, even the atrocious no-no, committed by Cardinal Warzycha, of subbing out a defender for...Lord, forgive me in advance... a FORWARD!
As the Crew faithful sing Hallelujahs about our comeback tie-almost-win-thingy, many are exalting the praises of one Emmanuel. And to be sure, Saint Ekpo is worthy; his passion and speed have ignited this team over the last few months. But many of the brethren are commiting an act of blasphemy by not acknowledging the one true savior:
And they will call him "Guille."
Last night, with a coniving, deformed, soothsayer of a false prophet on the other side of the pitch, Guillermo Barros Schelotto showed why the teams he has played on have reached the promised land 15 times during his professional career. He showed while magic and coniving can get one so far (you listening, Blanco?), true heart and wisdom will persevere at the end of the day. He showed that where there is nothing, he can create something.
Fortunately, we don't have to rely on hearsay and rumor to confirm the wonders of Guille. We have video proof:
Guille takes a free kick and comes within a foot of putting in a goal of the week.
Guille with another near GOTW. This play was headed nowhere, yet Guille nearly puts in a miracle.
Guille finds a wide open Chad Marshall in the box. Marshall should get 40 lashings for missing such a simple goal.
Guille fools everyone but Hejduk on a beautifully weighted pass, which Hejduk and Miglioranzi nearly tuened into the winner.
After taking the ball of a F*ire foot, Schelotto nearly draws a PK. Guille giveth AFTER taking away.
By the way, did I mention Guille provided the assists on both goals? He now leads the league, with 8 assists on the season.
Many have been led astray by false prophets (Blanco, Beckham, even an "Angel"), but as for me and my house, we will stand with Guillermo. Clearly, the best player on the field Saturday night was wearing Black and Gold.
Thank God.
As the Crew faithful sing Hallelujahs about our comeback tie-almost-win-thingy, many are exalting the praises of one Emmanuel. And to be sure, Saint Ekpo is worthy; his passion and speed have ignited this team over the last few months. But many of the brethren are commiting an act of blasphemy by not acknowledging the one true savior:
And they will call him "Guille."
Last night, with a coniving, deformed, soothsayer of a false prophet on the other side of the pitch, Guillermo Barros Schelotto showed why the teams he has played on have reached the promised land 15 times during his professional career. He showed while magic and coniving can get one so far (you listening, Blanco?), true heart and wisdom will persevere at the end of the day. He showed that where there is nothing, he can create something.
Fortunately, we don't have to rely on hearsay and rumor to confirm the wonders of Guille. We have video proof:
Guille takes a free kick and comes within a foot of putting in a goal of the week.
Guille with another near GOTW. This play was headed nowhere, yet Guille nearly puts in a miracle.
Guille finds a wide open Chad Marshall in the box. Marshall should get 40 lashings for missing such a simple goal.
Guille fools everyone but Hejduk on a beautifully weighted pass, which Hejduk and Miglioranzi nearly tuened into the winner.
After taking the ball of a F*ire foot, Schelotto nearly draws a PK. Guille giveth AFTER taking away.
By the way, did I mention Guille provided the assists on both goals? He now leads the league, with 8 assists on the season.
Many have been led astray by false prophets (Blanco, Beckham, even an "Angel"), but as for me and my house, we will stand with Guillermo. Clearly, the best player on the field Saturday night was wearing Black and Gold.
Thank God.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Top Flight Security
Apparently, my last post about the security at last night's Crew game caused a lengthy thread over on Big Soccer. Point goes to me, I guess. Anyway, I was trying to think how best I could sum up my thoughts on the CSC guards, when I remembered one of my favorite movies, Friday After Next. Obviously, it was the weakest of the Friday movies, but I still found it funny.
In the movie, career underachievers Craig (Ice Cube) and Dede (Mike Epps) have to get jobs, and do so as security guards. Top Flight Security guards, no less. And one of the two decides to make the most of his newfound power.
(NSFW language, by the way)
Whice one of these guys do you think is CSC material?
In the movie, career underachievers Craig (Ice Cube) and Dede (Mike Epps) have to get jobs, and do so as security guards. Top Flight Security guards, no less. And one of the two decides to make the most of his newfound power.
(NSFW language, by the way)
Whice one of these guys do you think is CSC material?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Stolen: One Result. Lone Suspect: Referee.
It wasn't as if the Crew necessarily deserved to win against the Fire on Tuesday night, but the U.S. Open Cup match was certainly not one the Crew played poorly enough to deserve to lose. Despite giving Chicago the lead twice, the Crew fought back to tie the game up. Even the announcers, clearly college students from Bradley who would not seem to have a bias, clearly thought the Crew had the best of the run of play in the 2nd half and overtime.
Unfortunately, referee Tony Russo felt it necessary to insert himself into a game that more than likely, would have been fairly decided by penalties. Instead, he called a phantom penalty on Crew keeper Will Hesmer in the 2nd half of extra time, as he came out on Andy Herron and tried to protect the goal. Herron touched the ball away from the goal, the only way he could go as Hesmer had the goal covered. Yet, a foul was issued, even though Herron clearly had not earned it, and Hesmer had done nothing wrong.
The result became final when Herron put the PK in against his former team, with Chicago winning by the 3-2 margin. This is probably poetically appropriate, as the Crew saw many strong chances turned away by the excellent goal keeping of one John Busch. Many will never forgive Busch for flipping the fans off last year when he returned to Crew stadium while playing for the Fire; then again, most fans might be more understanding if they knew the way the former Crew keeper was forced out of Velma Avenue (supposedly, Busch was only told he had been released on the final day before the season, and by phone no less. The walls at Superkick probably would show further evidence.)
To recap, a player Sigi Schmid cut was more than up to the task to stop the Crew, and one of the many players to sit in Sigi's dog house (Herron) stepped up to bury the Crw in overtime. Fortunately for the Crew, they will be getting a 4th round pick in the 2009 Superdraft for Herron. Oh, and they gave up the 2nd overall pick last year to get him. Keep that in mind.
But to be sure, the game was decided by the referee. Hesmer was not malicious, and Herron was not assured of a goal. Yet the referee decided to take neither fact into consideration. While Hesmer has been stellar on PK's this year, it was clearly a call that gave an advantage to a team that had not created their own all game. Also, to call a foul in that spot that late in a game on a close call is bad form by the official; if he was desperate to see a penalty kick, 3 more minutes would have brought him 10 penalties. At best, the call was not only a stretch, it was downright suspicious.
Still, the Crew can now get back to focusing on what they do best. And as soon as we all figure out what that is, we'll let you know.
In the meantime, here are a ton of hilarious reffing videos to make us all feel better.
Ref slaps a player, then nearly gets his ass kicked. Literally.
At least this guy was up front with his bias.
This ref takes no crap, however.
A game with him and Guille would be fun to watch.
Scratch that...put Guille in a game with THIS guy.
And finally, there's this guy:
Almost worth the price of admission just to have a laugh.
Unfortunately, referee Tony Russo felt it necessary to insert himself into a game that more than likely, would have been fairly decided by penalties. Instead, he called a phantom penalty on Crew keeper Will Hesmer in the 2nd half of extra time, as he came out on Andy Herron and tried to protect the goal. Herron touched the ball away from the goal, the only way he could go as Hesmer had the goal covered. Yet, a foul was issued, even though Herron clearly had not earned it, and Hesmer had done nothing wrong.
The result became final when Herron put the PK in against his former team, with Chicago winning by the 3-2 margin. This is probably poetically appropriate, as the Crew saw many strong chances turned away by the excellent goal keeping of one John Busch. Many will never forgive Busch for flipping the fans off last year when he returned to Crew stadium while playing for the Fire; then again, most fans might be more understanding if they knew the way the former Crew keeper was forced out of Velma Avenue (supposedly, Busch was only told he had been released on the final day before the season, and by phone no less. The walls at Superkick probably would show further evidence.)
To recap, a player Sigi Schmid cut was more than up to the task to stop the Crew, and one of the many players to sit in Sigi's dog house (Herron) stepped up to bury the Crw in overtime. Fortunately for the Crew, they will be getting a 4th round pick in the 2009 Superdraft for Herron. Oh, and they gave up the 2nd overall pick last year to get him. Keep that in mind.
But to be sure, the game was decided by the referee. Hesmer was not malicious, and Herron was not assured of a goal. Yet the referee decided to take neither fact into consideration. While Hesmer has been stellar on PK's this year, it was clearly a call that gave an advantage to a team that had not created their own all game. Also, to call a foul in that spot that late in a game on a close call is bad form by the official; if he was desperate to see a penalty kick, 3 more minutes would have brought him 10 penalties. At best, the call was not only a stretch, it was downright suspicious.
Still, the Crew can now get back to focusing on what they do best. And as soon as we all figure out what that is, we'll let you know.
In the meantime, here are a ton of hilarious reffing videos to make us all feel better.
Ref slaps a player, then nearly gets his ass kicked. Literally.
At least this guy was up front with his bias.
This ref takes no crap, however.
A game with him and Guille would be fun to watch.
Scratch that...put Guille in a game with THIS guy.
And finally, there's this guy:
Almost worth the price of admission just to have a laugh.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Dear John, Please Come Home...
Seems like every week, we're trying to figure out who would look good as the next addition to the Black and Gold. This pastime becomes more frequent and necessary when the team starts losing, especially in the horrible fashion we lost last week to the Quakes. Last year, rumors of Riquelme and Palermo made us dreamers. More recently, Zurawski, Podolski, and "mythical Romanian midfielder" have made us swoon. Even a few weeks ago, there were ethereal fantasies of Brian "No, really, I still like you..." McBride coming to Columbus.
Funny that no one really was thinking this way when we were winning 6 out of the first 7.
Personally, I have posited only one name into this argument of who the Crew should go after, and that's this guy. I feel that rampant speculation and wishing only leads to more heartbreak when the seemingly impossible proves to be, in fact, impossible. But would you believe I think the Crew have a legitimate shot at a true scoring threat who had 19 goals in England last season and who has 67 goals in just over 100 caps for his national team? Believe it or not, the Crew not only have a shot at him, they already have a locker nameplate for him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, the person we should all be lobbying Mark McCullers, Sigi Schmid, and Brian Bliss to sign as our designated player, is named John.
Stern John.
Fresh off stints in Southampton, Sunderland, and Birmingham City, John is not an offensive-minded midfielder, or a wing-mid, or a two-way player who will get you 6-7 goals. Stern John is a true forward, nay....a STRIKER. Yes, striker. A player who really only cares about scoring, who comes to the park everyday knowing the reason he is on the team is to score goals. Believe it or not, some teams actually have these guys. And Stern John not only knows how to score, he scores in ways that absolutely demolish the other team. He gets hat tricks in the 2nd half. He scores in stoppage time. Consistently, when the team needs a goal, he finds a way to tickle the twine.
Now, before we get much further into this, I know this type of signing would darn near force Sigi into playing with two forwards, which apparently he hates to do. I can only guess he hates this approach, seeing as how we have a whole dive team of forwards sitting on the bench while Moreno gets hammered all alone at the top of the box. So to make this work for Sigi, we would need to only refer to him as "the Crew's new scoring-oriented D-mid who happens to only play in the offensive third."
Some older Crew fans know all too well what Stern John can do, because he did it here in Columbus first. In 1998, John had 26 goals for the Crew, including 7 multi-goal games. He followed it up the next year by christening the Crew Stadium grounds with 18 more goals. All in all, he had 44 goals in 55 appearances with the Black and Gold. By the way, that's two fewer games played than Eddie Gaven had at the start of this season, but 35 more goals than Gaven has for the Crew. Warrants mentioning.
If you never saw him in a Crew kit, here's one of John's masterpieces from that opening season in the House That Lamar Built:
Things I loved about this goal, which was similar to many of the goals he scored for Columbus:
- It turned zero points into one (actually three, because the Crew won that game in a shootout, back when in MLS had the "let's try to hook non-soccer fans" rules, which also included the running-down clock.) Stern John has scored clutch goals throughout his career.
- It got the entire stadium off their feet and jumping. Old people, young people, crippled people...everyone was going nuts when he hit that shot home. His goals mesmerized those crowds back in the day.
- It ripped the heart out of the opposing team. Even the broadcasters, who were San Jose locals, couldn't hide the anguish. And Joe Cannon (yes, the SAME Joe Cannon) laying prostrate on the ground will forever be burned into my gray matter.
- It was done with a cocky swagger. Stern John isn't going to out-hustle Frankie Hejduk, or out-think Brian Carrol. No, Stern John is going stand around, not track back, get caught offside, and argue with the refs. He's also going to have his collar popped, beat you with a disgusting, "I can't believe I just saw that!"-type of play, and then rip his shirt off or flex his muscles. If it were a country song, Stern John would have slept with your girlfriend, stole your dog and your truck, and even cut the strings on your guitar.
Granted, the legend of Stern John was built when he was much younger. He was 22 and 23 during his two seasons with the Crew. Still, he did just have 19 goals for a side that nearly got relegated from the Championship. Apparently, even if there isn't talent around him, he can get his goals. Also, no matter how old you get, you can't unlearn shots like this one, from 2006:
OK, so now that I've whet your appetite for the "A+" T&T forward, you're asking "How good of a shot do we have of getting him?" Well that depends on a few things, one of which we know, one we don't, and one we can reasonably surmise.
What we don't know: Does anyone in the Crew F.O. even know that this guy is still playing? Outside of Bob Rifle and Mike Lapper, I wouldn't be shocked if Sigi or McCullers scratch their heads at the mention of his name. And, I say this in the most literal sense, only God Himself knows if HSG would care to sign him for more than a couple of large Pizza Hut Pizzas even if the Crew want him.
Bottom line: We don't know what the Crew F.O. is thinking, so let's not get our hopes up just yet. But, to carry the discussion along further, let's pretend they are interested in John.
What we do know: He's going to be available, for the right price. Southampton, John's current team, is under new management. Nigel Pearson was relieved of his coaching duties and replaced by former Dutch National Teamer Jan Poortvliet, whose last name sounds like a French toilet. Typically, when there is a new coach in town, especially in Jolly Old Ingerland, they like to bring in the new blood along with the new coach. Plus, this statement from the board of Southampton may be intriguing as well:
Not exactly a vote of confidence in the current roster, of which John is a part. And of course, we're not implying that he's gone, but if the Crew want to make an offer, you can bet Southampton would be listening. He's not young, but certainly not old, as he won't turn 32 until October of this year.
Bottom line: If you're looking to rebuild, 31 is not the age to start with. However, if you're looking for a seasoned goal scorer to ignite an already potent attack (assuming everyone is healthy), then 31 is just fine.
What we can surmise: If John was to leave England, he would want to play in Columbus. Think about it:
- He'd be closer to his family in the States and National Team in Trinidad and Tobago.
- He could make bank as a DP.
- He's 19 goals away from becoming the all-time leading goal scorer for the Crew.
- He still knows people here, and would get to work with some of his old teammates.
- He could win a championship.
Bottom Line: If John were to consider another go in MLS, Columbus would be perfect for him.
Will we get him? Who knows. But if the Crew don't sign a DP this offseason, it won't be because the Crew Nation is short on ideas.
Funny that no one really was thinking this way when we were winning 6 out of the first 7.
Personally, I have posited only one name into this argument of who the Crew should go after, and that's this guy. I feel that rampant speculation and wishing only leads to more heartbreak when the seemingly impossible proves to be, in fact, impossible. But would you believe I think the Crew have a legitimate shot at a true scoring threat who had 19 goals in England last season and who has 67 goals in just over 100 caps for his national team? Believe it or not, the Crew not only have a shot at him, they already have a locker nameplate for him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, the person we should all be lobbying Mark McCullers, Sigi Schmid, and Brian Bliss to sign as our designated player, is named John.
Stern John.
Fresh off stints in Southampton, Sunderland, and Birmingham City, John is not an offensive-minded midfielder, or a wing-mid, or a two-way player who will get you 6-7 goals. Stern John is a true forward, nay....a STRIKER. Yes, striker. A player who really only cares about scoring, who comes to the park everyday knowing the reason he is on the team is to score goals. Believe it or not, some teams actually have these guys. And Stern John not only knows how to score, he scores in ways that absolutely demolish the other team. He gets hat tricks in the 2nd half. He scores in stoppage time. Consistently, when the team needs a goal, he finds a way to tickle the twine.
Now, before we get much further into this, I know this type of signing would darn near force Sigi into playing with two forwards, which apparently he hates to do. I can only guess he hates this approach, seeing as how we have a whole dive team of forwards sitting on the bench while Moreno gets hammered all alone at the top of the box. So to make this work for Sigi, we would need to only refer to him as "the Crew's new scoring-oriented D-mid who happens to only play in the offensive third."
Some older Crew fans know all too well what Stern John can do, because he did it here in Columbus first. In 1998, John had 26 goals for the Crew, including 7 multi-goal games. He followed it up the next year by christening the Crew Stadium grounds with 18 more goals. All in all, he had 44 goals in 55 appearances with the Black and Gold. By the way, that's two fewer games played than Eddie Gaven had at the start of this season, but 35 more goals than Gaven has for the Crew. Warrants mentioning.
If you never saw him in a Crew kit, here's one of John's masterpieces from that opening season in the House That Lamar Built:
Things I loved about this goal, which was similar to many of the goals he scored for Columbus:
- It turned zero points into one (actually three, because the Crew won that game in a shootout, back when in MLS had the "let's try to hook non-soccer fans" rules, which also included the running-down clock.) Stern John has scored clutch goals throughout his career.
- It got the entire stadium off their feet and jumping. Old people, young people, crippled people...everyone was going nuts when he hit that shot home. His goals mesmerized those crowds back in the day.
- It ripped the heart out of the opposing team. Even the broadcasters, who were San Jose locals, couldn't hide the anguish. And Joe Cannon (yes, the SAME Joe Cannon) laying prostrate on the ground will forever be burned into my gray matter.
- It was done with a cocky swagger. Stern John isn't going to out-hustle Frankie Hejduk, or out-think Brian Carrol. No, Stern John is going stand around, not track back, get caught offside, and argue with the refs. He's also going to have his collar popped, beat you with a disgusting, "I can't believe I just saw that!"-type of play, and then rip his shirt off or flex his muscles. If it were a country song, Stern John would have slept with your girlfriend, stole your dog and your truck, and even cut the strings on your guitar.
Granted, the legend of Stern John was built when he was much younger. He was 22 and 23 during his two seasons with the Crew. Still, he did just have 19 goals for a side that nearly got relegated from the Championship. Apparently, even if there isn't talent around him, he can get his goals. Also, no matter how old you get, you can't unlearn shots like this one, from 2006:
OK, so now that I've whet your appetite for the "A+" T&T forward, you're asking "How good of a shot do we have of getting him?" Well that depends on a few things, one of which we know, one we don't, and one we can reasonably surmise.
What we don't know: Does anyone in the Crew F.O. even know that this guy is still playing? Outside of Bob Rifle and Mike Lapper, I wouldn't be shocked if Sigi or McCullers scratch their heads at the mention of his name. And, I say this in the most literal sense, only God Himself knows if HSG would care to sign him for more than a couple of large Pizza Hut Pizzas even if the Crew want him.
Bottom line: We don't know what the Crew F.O. is thinking, so let's not get our hopes up just yet. But, to carry the discussion along further, let's pretend they are interested in John.
What we do know: He's going to be available, for the right price. Southampton, John's current team, is under new management. Nigel Pearson was relieved of his coaching duties and replaced by former Dutch National Teamer Jan Poortvliet, whose last name sounds like a French toilet. Typically, when there is a new coach in town, especially in Jolly Old Ingerland, they like to bring in the new blood along with the new coach. Plus, this statement from the board of Southampton may be intriguing as well:
"...The board have been looking closely at the situation on the playing side of the club whereby we are inevitably going to have to depend to a large extent on the quality of our youngsters in the academy and the reserve team. "
Not exactly a vote of confidence in the current roster, of which John is a part. And of course, we're not implying that he's gone, but if the Crew want to make an offer, you can bet Southampton would be listening. He's not young, but certainly not old, as he won't turn 32 until October of this year.
Bottom line: If you're looking to rebuild, 31 is not the age to start with. However, if you're looking for a seasoned goal scorer to ignite an already potent attack (assuming everyone is healthy), then 31 is just fine.
What we can surmise: If John was to leave England, he would want to play in Columbus. Think about it:
- He'd be closer to his family in the States and National Team in Trinidad and Tobago.
- He could make bank as a DP.
- He's 19 goals away from becoming the all-time leading goal scorer for the Crew.
- He still knows people here, and would get to work with some of his old teammates.
- He could win a championship.
Bottom Line: If John were to consider another go in MLS, Columbus would be perfect for him.
Will we get him? Who knows. But if the Crew don't sign a DP this offseason, it won't be because the Crew Nation is short on ideas.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Not in the Face! Not in the Face!
As I was walking back to my car after the Crew's 2-0 loss to San Jose, I apparently picked up a tick. It's a wonder that Crew fans aren't one of the high-risk demographics for Lyme Disease, seeing how infrequently the grass is cut in the atrocious parking lots around CCS. I was more shocked than usual to pick up a tick, as I had thought all the life had already been sucked out of me during the game. But apparently, I still had something to give.
Once again, this game leaves us with more questions than answers. Below are some I still have, and may not get the answers to.
1. Are the referees in this league all slowly going blind? And if so, is it due to glaucoma? And if that is so, can they score us some weed?
Ricardo Salazar issued 21 fouls to San Jose, yet it took a 2nd yellow to draw a red card for any of the San Jose players. It took 33 minutes for San Jose to draw yellow, even though they had been hammering the Crew forwards from the outset. Brad Evans gets sent off for a foul at midfield that was a yellow at worst and his only caution; yet 5 minutes later, Eric Denton saves a sure goal by committing a similar foul on Frankie Hejduk just outside of the penalty area, and only sees yellow?
Meanwhile, Don Garber is busy watching Youtube and putting up "Wanted" posters in party supply stores. The willful ignorance this league exhibits towards it's awful officiating only underlines the hypocrisy they exhibit when they release mandates against the fans under the guise of "player safety".
Which reminds me: Can someone with some time and video-editing experience put together a video of all the fouls Robbie Rogers has suffered since he scored his 5th goal? A good song for the montage would be NIN's song "Hurt" sung by Johnny Cash.
2. Why did it take this long for Ekpo and Zayner to crack the starting lineup? And can I have some more Andy Iro?
I know Ekpo misplayed some balls on offense. But that's bound to happen when you only have less than an hour on the field with first team all season. There were plenty of times where Expo looked more dangerous than Paris Hilton driving a tanker truck full of anthrax. And Zayner, Iro, or Junge all looked like more competent options than Ezra at BOTH positions he can still barely play. Zayner was unlucky to not have MLS goal of the Week by hitting the crossbar, and Iro is much faster than advertised.
Even though we lost 2-0, San Jose had exactly TWO shots on goal, so it's not like the defense was a problem tonight. And yes, that does mean that William Tecumseh Hesmer had ZERO saves against the Quakes, completing the rarely-seen and ignominious Keeper Shutout.
So what WAS the problem? I'll answer that with another question:
3. Where did the offense of the first 7 games go?
I know, Robbie and Alejandro have been getting facefuls of turf of late. But why can't we seem to finish on the chances those fouls create?
Oh, that's right. Because outside of Moreno, we don't have a true forward on the team. And it might also have something to do with the fact that teams around the league are able to foul our speed into submission, then lay back and absorb our chances that result because we don't have anyone who has proven worthwhile at getting on the good side of one of these free kicks or crosses.
Wait, what was that noise? Was that our Designated Player slot sitting over in the corner getting moldy? Can you hear mold growing?
We were bound to swoon at some point, but it has been 367 minutes since we scored, and we've just gone scoreless against the last team we HAD previously scored against. If there is a panic button, it should be getting the "PANIC" letters worn off it at this point due to repeated pressing. Dark times to be sure, and with Padula and Moffat still on the shelf, the Crew need someone to step up. Maybe it can be Ekpo or Zayner (who hopefully earned a starting spot at LB until Padula gets healthy), but someone needs to do it. And quick.
Finally, for anyone who didn't get the title, it's a semi-obscure reference to The Tick. Here's the context:
If someone could make a "SPOON!" banner, I would be forever grateful.
Speaking of banners, there was some 10-year old kid who was taking down banners after the game. One of them was a painting that bore striking resemblance to Franklin Hedge Duke. I asked him where he got them, and he said "I made them." If anyone sees this kid at the next game, give him some money for a Mountain Dew or something.
Once again, this game leaves us with more questions than answers. Below are some I still have, and may not get the answers to.
1. Are the referees in this league all slowly going blind? And if so, is it due to glaucoma? And if that is so, can they score us some weed?
Ricardo Salazar issued 21 fouls to San Jose, yet it took a 2nd yellow to draw a red card for any of the San Jose players. It took 33 minutes for San Jose to draw yellow, even though they had been hammering the Crew forwards from the outset. Brad Evans gets sent off for a foul at midfield that was a yellow at worst and his only caution; yet 5 minutes later, Eric Denton saves a sure goal by committing a similar foul on Frankie Hejduk just outside of the penalty area, and only sees yellow?
Meanwhile, Don Garber is busy watching Youtube and putting up "Wanted" posters in party supply stores. The willful ignorance this league exhibits towards it's awful officiating only underlines the hypocrisy they exhibit when they release mandates against the fans under the guise of "player safety".
Which reminds me: Can someone with some time and video-editing experience put together a video of all the fouls Robbie Rogers has suffered since he scored his 5th goal? A good song for the montage would be NIN's song "Hurt" sung by Johnny Cash.
2. Why did it take this long for Ekpo and Zayner to crack the starting lineup? And can I have some more Andy Iro?
I know Ekpo misplayed some balls on offense. But that's bound to happen when you only have less than an hour on the field with first team all season. There were plenty of times where Expo looked more dangerous than Paris Hilton driving a tanker truck full of anthrax. And Zayner, Iro, or Junge all looked like more competent options than Ezra at BOTH positions he can still barely play. Zayner was unlucky to not have MLS goal of the Week by hitting the crossbar, and Iro is much faster than advertised.
Even though we lost 2-0, San Jose had exactly TWO shots on goal, so it's not like the defense was a problem tonight. And yes, that does mean that William Tecumseh Hesmer had ZERO saves against the Quakes, completing the rarely-seen and ignominious Keeper Shutout.
So what WAS the problem? I'll answer that with another question:
3. Where did the offense of the first 7 games go?
I know, Robbie and Alejandro have been getting facefuls of turf of late. But why can't we seem to finish on the chances those fouls create?
Oh, that's right. Because outside of Moreno, we don't have a true forward on the team. And it might also have something to do with the fact that teams around the league are able to foul our speed into submission, then lay back and absorb our chances that result because we don't have anyone who has proven worthwhile at getting on the good side of one of these free kicks or crosses.
Wait, what was that noise? Was that our Designated Player slot sitting over in the corner getting moldy? Can you hear mold growing?
We were bound to swoon at some point, but it has been 367 minutes since we scored, and we've just gone scoreless against the last team we HAD previously scored against. If there is a panic button, it should be getting the "PANIC" letters worn off it at this point due to repeated pressing. Dark times to be sure, and with Padula and Moffat still on the shelf, the Crew need someone to step up. Maybe it can be Ekpo or Zayner (who hopefully earned a starting spot at LB until Padula gets healthy), but someone needs to do it. And quick.
Finally, for anyone who didn't get the title, it's a semi-obscure reference to The Tick. Here's the context:
If someone could make a "SPOON!" banner, I would be forever grateful.
Speaking of banners, there was some 10-year old kid who was taking down banners after the game. One of them was a painting that bore striking resemblance to Franklin Hedge Duke. I asked him where he got them, and he said "I made them." If anyone sees this kid at the next game, give him some money for a Mountain Dew or something.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Smitty's Silly Match Preview - Game 10: @ Chivas USA
The Crew are coming off a long week. Nevermind anything else that might have gone on surrounding the team, when you have 3 games in 7 days, and one of those games is on the other sides of the country, it can be more taxing than the California Legislature.
Fortunately, the Crew get to head to beautiful shores of California to take on the Cheevus Goats, a team we've already beaten once this year.
CHIVAS USA
What You Need To Know: After their last meeting, not only does Robbie Rogers own Brad Guzan, he also own's Guzan's house, car, and collection of Barbies. If the last game were an episode of "Pinks", Robbie ran in the low 9's while Guzan's vehicle smoked and sputtered before throwing a rod.
New Additions: Is it just me, or do a few of the ChivaGirls appear to have gotten...um..."enhanced"?
Also, in completely unrelated news, the Chivs Youth Soccer Academy is suffering a shortage of size 3 balls.
Biggest Holes to Fill: Here are all of the contract players who are OUT for this Saturday's game:
- Jonathan Bornstein
- Alecko Eskandarian
- Maykel Galindo
- Lawson Vaughn
- Raphael Wicky
- Alex Zotinca
Not "Probable," or "Doubtful," or "Questionable." OUT. Not playing. Add in the fact that Claudio Suarez and Shavar Thomas are both listed as "Questionable," and the Crew are going to be playing a bunch of backups. So, I would guess there are some holes to fill this weekend.
2008 Prediction: Chivas wasn't that good to start off, but then again, the West is terrible. Look for a Superclassico Western Conference Final, with both L.A. teams in the mix.
Match Preview here.
Game Prediction: The Crew get back off the losing train, and get back 3 points on the road to make up for the 3 they lost at home last week. Goals by Robbie Rogers, Adam Moffat, and Chad Marshall. Chivas goal by Sasha Kljestan. Crew win 3-1.
Fortunately, the Crew get to head to beautiful shores of California to take on the Cheevus Goats, a team we've already beaten once this year.
CHIVAS USA
What You Need To Know: After their last meeting, not only does Robbie Rogers own Brad Guzan, he also own's Guzan's house, car, and collection of Barbies. If the last game were an episode of "Pinks", Robbie ran in the low 9's while Guzan's vehicle smoked and sputtered before throwing a rod.
New Additions: Is it just me, or do a few of the ChivaGirls appear to have gotten...um..."enhanced"?
Also, in completely unrelated news, the Chivs Youth Soccer Academy is suffering a shortage of size 3 balls.
Biggest Holes to Fill: Here are all of the contract players who are OUT for this Saturday's game:
- Jonathan Bornstein
- Alecko Eskandarian
- Maykel Galindo
- Lawson Vaughn
- Raphael Wicky
- Alex Zotinca
Not "Probable," or "Doubtful," or "Questionable." OUT. Not playing. Add in the fact that Claudio Suarez and Shavar Thomas are both listed as "Questionable," and the Crew are going to be playing a bunch of backups. So, I would guess there are some holes to fill this weekend.
2008 Prediction: Chivas wasn't that good to start off, but then again, the West is terrible. Look for a Superclassico Western Conference Final, with both L.A. teams in the mix.
Match Preview here.
Game Prediction: The Crew get back off the losing train, and get back 3 points on the road to make up for the 3 they lost at home last week. Goals by Robbie Rogers, Adam Moffat, and Chad Marshall. Chivas goal by Sasha Kljestan. Crew win 3-1.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Past, Present, and Crewture Tense...I Told You So.
By Smitty
On October 16th of 2007, on a Big Soccer thread entitled "Wishful Thinking" on the Crew forum, I posted the following comments in response to the idea of the Crew's ability to obtain Riquelme as our Designated Player:
Since we're in the wishful thinking category, what about German Denis? Here are the basics:
15 goals in the 13 games so far in the Apertura this year playing for Independiente. Also, he just got a call up to the Argentine National team.
(Note: This isn't the original vid I posted, as the one I used has been removed. Still, here are all 18 goals he ended up scoring last season.)
His Wikipedia page for further info...
Normally, I would say he's out of our league. But...
-He's 26, so he's not "old", but not a young prodigy. Could be a Juan Pablo Angel type player.
- He's already done the Europe thing.
- We have GBS, and thus, maybe, an "in".
Plus, he's a "German", so Sigi wouldn't have any problems...
The Crew have made no announcements regarding signing this player. BUT today they annouced the team we are playing in our first exhibition match. Yeah, it's none other than Independiente, a legendary club in South America. More importantly, it's the home of one German Denis.
Now consider that Brian Bliss just got on a plane today headed to "Brazil" (suuuuure...) to scout some players. Make no bones about it, I know what I'm talking about. Here's my step-by-step prediction of what's going to happen:
1. Bliss is putting up a smoke screen about Brazil. He'll make one or two stops, grab a cab in the middle of the night and head for Argentina.
2. The whole reason Bliss is in South America is to pitch German Denis on taking over the reigns once GBS hangs up the boots after this season.
3. The Crew can afford Denis because of the money they're not going to be spending on McBride (more on that in a moment), and the money they'll save once Guille walks away next year.
4. Independiente come to Columbus and allow Denis to get one good runout in front of Mark and the Fat Man against competition both will know well (The Crew).
5. Denis rips off his Independiente kit after the game, revealing a fresh #20 Banana kit that he took from the soon-to-be-released Nico Hernandez, and immediately has a press conference at the center circle in front of all the Argentine fans who came out to the match to see him.
- Denis becomes the perfect point man to finish all those beautiful crosses being sent in by Robbie Rogers, Frankie Hejduk, and Guillermo.
- The Crew beat L.A. 5-0 in the MLS Cup and get a taste of double, also swiping the U.S. Open Cup.
- Denis gets a hat trick in two seperate playoff games.
- Everyone buys me beer for calling this situation a whole year ago.
Just saying, don't be shocked when I'm right.
In other Crew news...
- Brian McBride has stated he's leaving Fulham. Wishful Crew fans are hoping it's to come back to the Black and Gold, but I have news for you: He's not. McBride will most likely end up with the Fire or Toronto, but Chicago does not have a DP, so it'll be interesting to see what they give up to get him. Still, McBride's agent and brother Matt is doing some PR, saying that McBride will always love Columbus, regardles of where he ends up. That means it won't be Columbus folks. He wouldn't have to tell us he loves us if he wasn't going somewhere else.
- Channel 6 did a story on the Youtube video last night. Thus continuing this douchebag's 15 minutes of "in"fame..
- I'll be posting my Silly Game Preview before Friday is out.
On October 16th of 2007, on a Big Soccer thread entitled "Wishful Thinking" on the Crew forum, I posted the following comments in response to the idea of the Crew's ability to obtain Riquelme as our Designated Player:
Since we're in the wishful thinking category, what about German Denis? Here are the basics:
15 goals in the 13 games so far in the Apertura this year playing for Independiente. Also, he just got a call up to the Argentine National team.
(Note: This isn't the original vid I posted, as the one I used has been removed. Still, here are all 18 goals he ended up scoring last season.)
His Wikipedia page for further info...
Normally, I would say he's out of our league. But...
-He's 26, so he's not "old", but not a young prodigy. Could be a Juan Pablo Angel type player.
- He's already done the Europe thing.
- We have GBS, and thus, maybe, an "in".
Plus, he's a "German", so Sigi wouldn't have any problems...
The Crew have made no announcements regarding signing this player. BUT today they annouced the team we are playing in our first exhibition match. Yeah, it's none other than Independiente, a legendary club in South America. More importantly, it's the home of one German Denis.
Now consider that Brian Bliss just got on a plane today headed to "Brazil" (suuuuure...) to scout some players. Make no bones about it, I know what I'm talking about. Here's my step-by-step prediction of what's going to happen:
1. Bliss is putting up a smoke screen about Brazil. He'll make one or two stops, grab a cab in the middle of the night and head for Argentina.
2. The whole reason Bliss is in South America is to pitch German Denis on taking over the reigns once GBS hangs up the boots after this season.
3. The Crew can afford Denis because of the money they're not going to be spending on McBride (more on that in a moment), and the money they'll save once Guille walks away next year.
4. Independiente come to Columbus and allow Denis to get one good runout in front of Mark and the Fat Man against competition both will know well (The Crew).
5. Denis rips off his Independiente kit after the game, revealing a fresh #20 Banana kit that he took from the soon-to-be-released Nico Hernandez, and immediately has a press conference at the center circle in front of all the Argentine fans who came out to the match to see him.
- Denis becomes the perfect point man to finish all those beautiful crosses being sent in by Robbie Rogers, Frankie Hejduk, and Guillermo.
- The Crew beat L.A. 5-0 in the MLS Cup and get a taste of double, also swiping the U.S. Open Cup.
- Denis gets a hat trick in two seperate playoff games.
- Everyone buys me beer for calling this situation a whole year ago.
Just saying, don't be shocked when I'm right.
In other Crew news...
- Brian McBride has stated he's leaving Fulham. Wishful Crew fans are hoping it's to come back to the Black and Gold, but I have news for you: He's not. McBride will most likely end up with the Fire or Toronto, but Chicago does not have a DP, so it'll be interesting to see what they give up to get him. Still, McBride's agent and brother Matt is doing some PR, saying that McBride will always love Columbus, regardles of where he ends up. That means it won't be Columbus folks. He wouldn't have to tell us he loves us if he wasn't going somewhere else.
- Channel 6 did a story on the Youtube video last night. Thus continuing this douchebag's 15 minutes of "in"fame..
- I'll be posting my Silly Game Preview before Friday is out.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Smitty's Silly Preview: Game 7 at San Jose
The Crew are rolling through the league. And fresh off a clean dispatching of one of the early league leaders, the Yellow Soccer Team will be playing their first game on the West Coast. Fortunately, it's against one of the worst teams in MLS, the San Jose Clash...err...Earthquakes. Also fortunate for the Crew, they get to look in the 2007 mirror to see Kei Kamara and Ned Grabavoy on the other side, with the Quakes are going to be shaking when they get a sight of the Massive Club storming their makeshift field.
San Jose Earthquakes:
What you need to know:
San Jose left back Matt Hatzke will be missing the game due to a National Team callup.
Oh, by the way...that's the U.S. Men's National FUTSAL Team. You know, indoor soccer? Apparently he'd rather play indoor for a team that 90% of U.S. Soccer fans didn't know existed than play for his club team. Of course, who can blame him? After all, it is the Massive Club coming to town.
New additions:
Some Hatian dude; stadium.
Biggest holes to fill:
Can the whole team qualify?
2008 Prediction:
As an expansion team, they are guaranteed to do no worse than last year.
Match preview here.
Game prediction: The game will be closer than most expect as Grabavoy and Kamara play up for their former team. But in honor of Matt Hatzke's service with the Futsal Nats (bless you!) this weekend, I'll say the Crew win with an indoor score of 15-2.
By the way San Jose fans, below are the highlights of Landon Donovan's 3 goal game from ealrier this season. In that game alone, Donovan outscored your entire team FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON. But hey, at least you have as many goals as Alan Gordon.
San Jose Earthquakes:
What you need to know:
San Jose left back Matt Hatzke will be missing the game due to a National Team callup.
Oh, by the way...that's the U.S. Men's National FUTSAL Team. You know, indoor soccer? Apparently he'd rather play indoor for a team that 90% of U.S. Soccer fans didn't know existed than play for his club team. Of course, who can blame him? After all, it is the Massive Club coming to town.
New additions:
Some Hatian dude; stadium.
Biggest holes to fill:
Can the whole team qualify?
2008 Prediction:
As an expansion team, they are guaranteed to do no worse than last year.
Match preview here.
Game prediction: The game will be closer than most expect as Grabavoy and Kamara play up for their former team. But in honor of Matt Hatzke's service with the Futsal Nats (bless you!) this weekend, I'll say the Crew win with an indoor score of 15-2.
By the way San Jose fans, below are the highlights of Landon Donovan's 3 goal game from ealrier this season. In that game alone, Donovan outscored your entire team FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON. But hey, at least you have as many goals as Alan Gordon.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
The Tipping Point
Watching that game on Thursday was more religious than anything the Pope could bring. And to describe the Crew's deserved and well-played 2-1 victory over D.C., Crew fans have had to resort to terms usually reserved for the masses. Hallelujah! Thank God! Holy S***! You get the idea. The win came ironically on the same day as the Pope made His Holiness' inaugural visit to the nation's capital. Ironic because this day will now hold holy significance for most prodigal Crew fans, as well as all the new converts the Crew no doubt gained by virtue of the game being on ESPN. To those who are new to the fold or returning after a long absence, we welcome you. Please, partake of the humble pie and apple juice, provided by St. Frankie.
But while watching the game at one of this Crew fan's Holiest of Holy places (Ruby Tuesday's on Summit), I had a revelation: This 2008 version of the Crew is a collection of badasses.
Let's face it: Frankie Hejduk may not be the type of guy who would cut your mother just to stop a goal, but he looks like he might. Danny O'Rourke will end his fair share of careers during the course of his. Gino Padula looks like a cross between Lemmy from Motorhead and The Jesus from Big Lebowski. And while Chad Marshall has the charming good looks and charisma you might expect from a Stanford grad, aren't those the type of people who end up as serial killers? Smiling, friendly, quiet, great neighbor, 20 heads in his freezer. You know what I mean? That's a scary back line.
Up front, you've got Adam Moffat, who's one Glidden paint spill away from looking like the reincarnation of William Wallace. And up front? Only two of the dirtiest, lying, cheating S.O.B's you'd ever want to meet: Alejandro Moreno and Guillermo Barros Schelotto. While many a Crew fan has a special place in their heart for these two, and rightly so, we have to take the "proud parent" lenses off for a second and realize that these guys would piss us off if they were on any other team. If you doubt the lying and cheating aspect, witness Alejandro Moreno's complete fabrication of the foul in the box against Chivas. He grabbed the defenders jersey, hooked onto him, and as the two were running together, Moreno fell over, in the box, and drew the foul. The Holy Father would have a whale of a confessional with Mr. Moreno.
And talk about breaking and entering? Guilermo fights and claws through defenders like Wolverine looking for Jean Grey or Jubilee (depending if you watched the movie or the cartoons). Also, I'm pretty sure a lot of hardline evangelicals think the Harry Potter books are evil because of witchcraft. Well, how else might one explain Guille's ability to work his way through three defenders, than to look at sources of the occult? When Guille does gets fouled, pray to God you're not a referee. Only the Almighty can save you from the constant bitch-fest Guille embarks on whenevrer he is grazed, let alone fouled. And this assessment isn't even taking into account the lack of sportsmanship (which is a sin, according to ESPN.com) Guille exhibits whenever the opposing team is trying to line up a free kick, or get the ball from him after a Crew foul was called. Were he on another team, he would be a bastard.
But, he's not. He's on this band of misfits and castaways, a group that is taking MLS by storm and looking like thugs while they do it. Of course this is not to say the Crew haven't looked good while doing it, as they have. Nor does it signify that they were the less talented team. They earned all nine points they got this year, but more in the sense that an art thief who properly plans his heist earns the piece he swipes from the museum. It's not that a thief doesn't work hard; quite to the contrary, he works hard to get what he wants by any means necessary. Well, doesn't that describe the guys on this Crew team? They're dirty, they're cheap, and they just might win it all.
From here on out, I'm proposing that the Crew start using The Roots' song "Don't Say Nothin" as their theme song. (If you've never heard it, it's posted below) The league isn't ready for the Crew, and if they aren't careful, the lyrics of this song will ring true.
My home team doin visitors in, don't test em/
They all standing close to the edge, so don't stress em/
Give it here, and don't say nothin/
Give it here, and don't say nothin/
DC, Chivas, Toronto, and 80 minutes against New York are a warning. MLS better watch out, because the Crew have a good chance to take the trophy. Don't say nothin'.
Amen.
But while watching the game at one of this Crew fan's Holiest of Holy places (Ruby Tuesday's on Summit), I had a revelation: This 2008 version of the Crew is a collection of badasses.
Let's face it: Frankie Hejduk may not be the type of guy who would cut your mother just to stop a goal, but he looks like he might. Danny O'Rourke will end his fair share of careers during the course of his. Gino Padula looks like a cross between Lemmy from Motorhead and The Jesus from Big Lebowski. And while Chad Marshall has the charming good looks and charisma you might expect from a Stanford grad, aren't those the type of people who end up as serial killers? Smiling, friendly, quiet, great neighbor, 20 heads in his freezer. You know what I mean? That's a scary back line.
Up front, you've got Adam Moffat, who's one Glidden paint spill away from looking like the reincarnation of William Wallace. And up front? Only two of the dirtiest, lying, cheating S.O.B's you'd ever want to meet: Alejandro Moreno and Guillermo Barros Schelotto. While many a Crew fan has a special place in their heart for these two, and rightly so, we have to take the "proud parent" lenses off for a second and realize that these guys would piss us off if they were on any other team. If you doubt the lying and cheating aspect, witness Alejandro Moreno's complete fabrication of the foul in the box against Chivas. He grabbed the defenders jersey, hooked onto him, and as the two were running together, Moreno fell over, in the box, and drew the foul. The Holy Father would have a whale of a confessional with Mr. Moreno.
And talk about breaking and entering? Guilermo fights and claws through defenders like Wolverine looking for Jean Grey or Jubilee (depending if you watched the movie or the cartoons). Also, I'm pretty sure a lot of hardline evangelicals think the Harry Potter books are evil because of witchcraft. Well, how else might one explain Guille's ability to work his way through three defenders, than to look at sources of the occult? When Guille does gets fouled, pray to God you're not a referee. Only the Almighty can save you from the constant bitch-fest Guille embarks on whenevrer he is grazed, let alone fouled. And this assessment isn't even taking into account the lack of sportsmanship (which is a sin, according to ESPN.com) Guille exhibits whenever the opposing team is trying to line up a free kick, or get the ball from him after a Crew foul was called. Were he on another team, he would be a bastard.
But, he's not. He's on this band of misfits and castaways, a group that is taking MLS by storm and looking like thugs while they do it. Of course this is not to say the Crew haven't looked good while doing it, as they have. Nor does it signify that they were the less talented team. They earned all nine points they got this year, but more in the sense that an art thief who properly plans his heist earns the piece he swipes from the museum. It's not that a thief doesn't work hard; quite to the contrary, he works hard to get what he wants by any means necessary. Well, doesn't that describe the guys on this Crew team? They're dirty, they're cheap, and they just might win it all.
From here on out, I'm proposing that the Crew start using The Roots' song "Don't Say Nothin" as their theme song. (If you've never heard it, it's posted below) The league isn't ready for the Crew, and if they aren't careful, the lyrics of this song will ring true.
My home team doin visitors in, don't test em/
They all standing close to the edge, so don't stress em/
Give it here, and don't say nothin/
Give it here, and don't say nothin/
DC, Chivas, Toronto, and 80 minutes against New York are a warning. MLS better watch out, because the Crew have a good chance to take the trophy. Don't say nothin'.
Amen.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Game 4: At DC United
The Crew have a short week after slamming 4 goals into the back of the Chivas net. Can they keep the offensive mojo working in our nation's capital?
DC UNI-TED SUCKS!
What You Need to Know:
They just lost 4-0 to Real Fuckin' Salt Lake.
New Additions:
Apparently, they just added a 4-0 loss to their record. To a team, let us remind you, whose name is "Royal Salt Lake."
Biggest Holes to Fill:
The new one they got ripped open by Real Salt Lake.
2008 Prediction:
DC will eventually regain their form, and start to play some decent soccer in the summer, only to barely miss the playoffs by three points...that they didn't pick up against Real Salt Lake!
Match preview here.
Game prediction: The Crew get points on the road, but just one. They tie 3-3 off goals from Robbie Rogers, Eddie Gaven, and Adam Moffat.
Why do I think Robbie will get another goal, even though DC will be marking him like a red-tagger at the after Christmas sale? Becasue of this tremendous quote I read from Stev Sirk's great notebook column on the Crew's website:
If Guillermo takes the kid under his wings, and Robbie continues to advance, watch out. The combination could be deadly.
Also, don't forget what happened the last time Mr. Rogers went to DC's Neighborhood:
Finally, for everyone heading out to the game tomorrow in DC, here's a nice little bit of advice for how to defend yourself in case of a dust up:
DC UNI-TED SUCKS!
What You Need to Know:
They just lost 4-0 to Real Fuckin' Salt Lake.
New Additions:
Apparently, they just added a 4-0 loss to their record. To a team, let us remind you, whose name is "Royal Salt Lake."
Biggest Holes to Fill:
The new one they got ripped open by Real Salt Lake.
2008 Prediction:
DC will eventually regain their form, and start to play some decent soccer in the summer, only to barely miss the playoffs by three points...that they didn't pick up against Real Salt Lake!
Match preview here.
Game prediction: The Crew get points on the road, but just one. They tie 3-3 off goals from Robbie Rogers, Eddie Gaven, and Adam Moffat.
Why do I think Robbie will get another goal, even though DC will be marking him like a red-tagger at the after Christmas sale? Becasue of this tremendous quote I read from Stev Sirk's great notebook column on the Crew's website:
"Guillermo talks to me a lot in practice and in games and tells me what he wants me to do," said Rogers. "He's got a lot of experience and I'm pretty young and like to run a lot, so I try to get into spaces where he can get me the ball."
If Guillermo takes the kid under his wings, and Robbie continues to advance, watch out. The combination could be deadly.
Also, don't forget what happened the last time Mr. Rogers went to DC's Neighborhood:
Finally, for everyone heading out to the game tomorrow in DC, here's a nice little bit of advice for how to defend yourself in case of a dust up:
Monday, April 14, 2008
Crew Fiction
Scene: After an absolute disaster of a season has left the Crew offices a bloody mess, Mark McCullers picks up his phone to call in some help from an old friend.
(A doorbell rings at the Crew training facilities in late March, about a week before the season begins. Coach Sigi Schmid answers to find a well-coifed man in his 50's standing on the doorstep. The man is Winston Wolf).
Winston Wolf - You're...Sigi, right, this is your team?
Sigi - Sure is.
WW - I'm Winston Wolfe. I solve problems.
Sigi - Good, we've got one.
WW - So I heard. May I come in?
Sigi - Uh, yeah please do.
(Entering the training grounds, Wolf notices two players standing next to each other)
WW (to the first player) - You must be Guillermo. (to the other player) Which would make you Frankie. Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking. Is that right, Sigi?
Sigi - Uh, yes. 100%.
WW - The fans are tired of 3 years of missing the playoffs, and if there isn't marked improvement soon you might be out of a job, is that correct?
Sigi - Uh-huh.
WW - I was led to belive that if the Crew plays at home as poorly as they did last season, the fans wouldn't appreciate it none too much?
Sigi - They wouldn't, yeah.
WW - Alright. That gives us (looks at pocket Crew schedule) roughly 10 games to get the team on the right path, or else we're all gonna have to get the fuck outta dodge. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty of time. Now, you've got some game films from last year? Lead me to 'em.
(All four proceed to the film room. Winston Wolf begins watching the game film. He sighs. The rest crowd around as he watches.)
WW - Sigi, Do me a favor will ya? Thought I smelled some coffee back there. Can you bring me a cup?
Sigi - Shouldn't I stay and watch the film with you so you can see my brilliant strategies from last year?
WW - That won't be necessary. Just bring me some coffee.
Sigi - OK. (pauses for a moment) How do you take it?
WW - Lotsa sugar. Lotsa cream.
Sigi - Got it. (exits)
WW (to the players) - About the team, anything I should know? Does it play as a unit? Does it possess the ball well? Defending? Anything I should know?
Frankie - Aside from how our record looked last year, the team is cool.
WW - Positive? Don't get me out there watching a real game and and find out the left back doesn't have a good work rate.
Frankie - Oh, right yeah. Rusty Pierce and Tim Ward are terrible. But other than that, the mothafucka's tip-top.
WW (shutting off the game film) - Good enough. Let's go back to the main office.
(WW, Guille and Frankie all head back into the office, where Sigi is pouring Wolfe a cup of joe. Sigi hands the cup to WW.)
Sigi - Here you go, Mr. Wolf.
WW - Thanks Sigi. (he takes a nice, long sip.) Hokay. First thing: (motions to Guille and Frankie) You two. Take the game film from last year, and flush it down the drain. (turns to Sigi) Now Sigi. This looks to be a fully funtional soccer facility, which would lead me to believe there are soccer balls, goals, practice jerseys, shit like that lying around?
Sigi - Yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Wolf, they're under the Fair Play 2007 Award banner we won last year.
WW - Good. (turns back to the players). I need you two fellas to take one of those soccer balls and tell everyone on your team to share it. Tell them to learn how to shoot it at the goal, and not always look to pass it inside the 18 yard box. Shoot it with one touch if necessary. I'm talking fast, fast, fast. You need to go into the box and scoop up all the rebounds and crosses, and deposit them into the back of the net.
Frankie, you need to clean up the defense. Now, when it comes to defense it don't need to be spic and span. You don't need to win off it. Just give it a good once over. What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. You see the little groups of forwards that are gathering at the top of the 18 yard box? You gotta gobble that shit up.
(Turn back to Sigi) Sigi, we need to raid your cell phone contacts. I need forwards, I need a left back, a couple of veterans, some depth on the bench, anything you can find we need it. The tougher the better.
(now adressing all) We need to take points at home so our record will look better than it has. If a soccer journo really looks at the players we've signed in the offseason, he'll see we're not much better, and the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, things will appear to be normal. Sigi, come with me. Boys get to work.
Guille - "Please" would be nice.
WW (Stops in his tracks, turns and looks at Guillermo) - Come again?
Guillermo - I said "A 'Please' would be nice."
WW - Get it straight buster. I'm not here to say please, I'm here to tell you what to do. And if winning soccer games is an instinct you possess, you better fuckin' do it, and do it quick. I'm here to help. If my help's not appreciated? Lots of luck, gentlemen.
Frankie - No, no, no Mr. Wolf, it ain't like that, your help is definitely appreciated.
Guille - Mr. Wolf, listen. I don't mean no disprespect, OK, I respect you. I just don't like people barking orders at me, that's all.
WW - If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to score goals fast if you want to get into the playoffs this year. So...pretty please, with sugar on top, score some fuckin' goals.
END SCENE.
(Guille and Frankie put into practice all they were told to do by Mr. Wolf. After three weeks of the season, they ask him to inspect the work they've done.)
Are we past phase one (winning at home)? Maybe. But phase two is going to involve getting points on the road against Eastern Conference foes. And it starts Thursday night. Can the Crew be up to the task? Hopefully. But let's heed the Wolf's advice until we see some hardware.
(A doorbell rings at the Crew training facilities in late March, about a week before the season begins. Coach Sigi Schmid answers to find a well-coifed man in his 50's standing on the doorstep. The man is Winston Wolf).
Winston Wolf - You're...Sigi, right, this is your team?
Sigi - Sure is.
WW - I'm Winston Wolfe. I solve problems.
Sigi - Good, we've got one.
WW - So I heard. May I come in?
Sigi - Uh, yeah please do.
(Entering the training grounds, Wolf notices two players standing next to each other)
WW (to the first player) - You must be Guillermo. (to the other player) Which would make you Frankie. Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking. Is that right, Sigi?
Sigi - Uh, yes. 100%.
WW - The fans are tired of 3 years of missing the playoffs, and if there isn't marked improvement soon you might be out of a job, is that correct?
Sigi - Uh-huh.
WW - I was led to belive that if the Crew plays at home as poorly as they did last season, the fans wouldn't appreciate it none too much?
Sigi - They wouldn't, yeah.
WW - Alright. That gives us (looks at pocket Crew schedule) roughly 10 games to get the team on the right path, or else we're all gonna have to get the fuck outta dodge. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty of time. Now, you've got some game films from last year? Lead me to 'em.
(All four proceed to the film room. Winston Wolf begins watching the game film. He sighs. The rest crowd around as he watches.)
WW - Sigi, Do me a favor will ya? Thought I smelled some coffee back there. Can you bring me a cup?
Sigi - Shouldn't I stay and watch the film with you so you can see my brilliant strategies from last year?
WW - That won't be necessary. Just bring me some coffee.
Sigi - OK. (pauses for a moment) How do you take it?
WW - Lotsa sugar. Lotsa cream.
Sigi - Got it. (exits)
WW (to the players) - About the team, anything I should know? Does it play as a unit? Does it possess the ball well? Defending? Anything I should know?
Frankie - Aside from how our record looked last year, the team is cool.
WW - Positive? Don't get me out there watching a real game and and find out the left back doesn't have a good work rate.
Frankie - Oh, right yeah. Rusty Pierce and Tim Ward are terrible. But other than that, the mothafucka's tip-top.
WW (shutting off the game film) - Good enough. Let's go back to the main office.
(WW, Guille and Frankie all head back into the office, where Sigi is pouring Wolfe a cup of joe. Sigi hands the cup to WW.)
Sigi - Here you go, Mr. Wolf.
WW - Thanks Sigi. (he takes a nice, long sip.) Hokay. First thing: (motions to Guille and Frankie) You two. Take the game film from last year, and flush it down the drain. (turns to Sigi) Now Sigi. This looks to be a fully funtional soccer facility, which would lead me to believe there are soccer balls, goals, practice jerseys, shit like that lying around?
Sigi - Yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Wolf, they're under the Fair Play 2007 Award banner we won last year.
WW - Good. (turns back to the players). I need you two fellas to take one of those soccer balls and tell everyone on your team to share it. Tell them to learn how to shoot it at the goal, and not always look to pass it inside the 18 yard box. Shoot it with one touch if necessary. I'm talking fast, fast, fast. You need to go into the box and scoop up all the rebounds and crosses, and deposit them into the back of the net.
Frankie, you need to clean up the defense. Now, when it comes to defense it don't need to be spic and span. You don't need to win off it. Just give it a good once over. What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. You see the little groups of forwards that are gathering at the top of the 18 yard box? You gotta gobble that shit up.
(Turn back to Sigi) Sigi, we need to raid your cell phone contacts. I need forwards, I need a left back, a couple of veterans, some depth on the bench, anything you can find we need it. The tougher the better.
(now adressing all) We need to take points at home so our record will look better than it has. If a soccer journo really looks at the players we've signed in the offseason, he'll see we're not much better, and the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, things will appear to be normal. Sigi, come with me. Boys get to work.
Guille - "Please" would be nice.
WW (Stops in his tracks, turns and looks at Guillermo) - Come again?
Guillermo - I said "A 'Please' would be nice."
WW - Get it straight buster. I'm not here to say please, I'm here to tell you what to do. And if winning soccer games is an instinct you possess, you better fuckin' do it, and do it quick. I'm here to help. If my help's not appreciated? Lots of luck, gentlemen.
Frankie - No, no, no Mr. Wolf, it ain't like that, your help is definitely appreciated.
Guille - Mr. Wolf, listen. I don't mean no disprespect, OK, I respect you. I just don't like people barking orders at me, that's all.
WW - If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to score goals fast if you want to get into the playoffs this year. So...pretty please, with sugar on top, score some fuckin' goals.
END SCENE.
(Guille and Frankie put into practice all they were told to do by Mr. Wolf. After three weeks of the season, they ask him to inspect the work they've done.)
Are we past phase one (winning at home)? Maybe. But phase two is going to involve getting points on the road against Eastern Conference foes. And it starts Thursday night. Can the Crew be up to the task? Hopefully. But let's heed the Wolf's advice until we see some hardware.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Game 3: Chivas USA
The Crew have suffered their first loss of the season, to go with their first and only win. Is this the week for their first tie?
Chivas USA
What You Need to Know:
Their nickname is "The Goats". Also, they'll mow your lawn for cheap.
New Additions:
About 19 members of their extended family.
Biggest Holes to Fill:
Mulchbeds across the nation.
2008 Prediction:
While there is some disagreement about whether or not Chivas entered MLS legally, the fact is they are here, and now we have to figure out what to do with them.
Chivas match preview here.
Game Prediction: Despite their impressive start, Chivas will have a tough time gaining three points with the Nordecke in full swing. Problem is, so will the Crew. 1-1 draw with Eddie Gaven knocking in a rebound for the Crew.
Finally, if you want to see new Chivas forward Alecko Eskandarian playing miniature golf, watch Part 2 of "A Day in the Life of Alecko Eskandarian", filmed when he played for the the Scum:
Honestly, I expected this to be a video of him falling down whenever someone walked past him, then running up behind them and kicking their knees in 5 minutes later. Maybe that's Part 1...
Chivas USA
What You Need to Know:
Their nickname is "The Goats". Also, they'll mow your lawn for cheap.
New Additions:
About 19 members of their extended family.
Biggest Holes to Fill:
Mulchbeds across the nation.
2008 Prediction:
While there is some disagreement about whether or not Chivas entered MLS legally, the fact is they are here, and now we have to figure out what to do with them.
Chivas match preview here.
Game Prediction: Despite their impressive start, Chivas will have a tough time gaining three points with the Nordecke in full swing. Problem is, so will the Crew. 1-1 draw with Eddie Gaven knocking in a rebound for the Crew.
Finally, if you want to see new Chivas forward Alecko Eskandarian playing miniature golf, watch Part 2 of "A Day in the Life of Alecko Eskandarian", filmed when he played for the the Scum:
Honestly, I expected this to be a video of him falling down whenever someone walked past him, then running up behind them and kicking their knees in 5 minutes later. Maybe that's Part 1...
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
In Defense of Danny
Many Crew fans have noticed that the Crew's newest addition to the back line, Danny O'Rourke, has had a rough start. In fact "rough" might actually be putting it gently. In two games, O'Rourke has manged to foul both Toronto's Jeff Cunningham and New York's Oscar Echeverry in the box, resulting in two penalty kicks.
On the bright side, his fouls have allowed us to see some spectacular play by Will Hesmer:
While Danny O'Rourke has given up two PKs in the last two games, I still think the jury's out. Not on his performance the last two games mind you: We know he was junk. Everyone does. His family does. No one can deny his performances were bad. That said, what remains to be seen is if he will learn, grow, and mature, or if he will continue to founder at this level of play.
Not to sound like your mom telling you not to make fun of the new kid at school, but I will ask you to think back to your first two weeks at a new position at work. Did you make mistakes? Did you need to learn? Absolutely. There is always an adjustment period that people go through when plying a new task.
The same is said here for O'Rourke. The difference is, we're all watching it.
Realize that criticizing O'Rourke is not the same as criticizing a player like Alex Rodriguez or Terrell Owens. Those guys get paid a lot of money to do what they do very well. They have worked years at being in their respective positions. They have a breadth of work behind them that shows they, in fact, CAN be utterly spectacular. If they don't perform, they've more than asked for the criticism, based on their salaries and proven skill.
This may sound harsh to say of him, but Danny O'Rourke has neither of those qualifiers.
O'Rourke isn't the high-priced center back we paid $200,000 to get from New England so he could fix our back line. He was traded from Houston to New York to Toronto to Columbus in his short career. He's a converted defensive midfielder who is being asked by his hometown club to fill a hole. Granted, he's done a poor job thus far, but let's wait and see if he doesn't mature into the role over the next four games, as it will certainly be a baptism by fire.
If you're angry that Sigi Schmid is playing him, or that Mark McCullers didn't buy a replacement at centerback for Marcos Gonzalez, then by all means, let the vitriol proceed. But make sure you're directing it at the right people.
On the bright side, his fouls have allowed us to see some spectacular play by Will Hesmer:
While Danny O'Rourke has given up two PKs in the last two games, I still think the jury's out. Not on his performance the last two games mind you: We know he was junk. Everyone does. His family does. No one can deny his performances were bad. That said, what remains to be seen is if he will learn, grow, and mature, or if he will continue to founder at this level of play.
Not to sound like your mom telling you not to make fun of the new kid at school, but I will ask you to think back to your first two weeks at a new position at work. Did you make mistakes? Did you need to learn? Absolutely. There is always an adjustment period that people go through when plying a new task.
The same is said here for O'Rourke. The difference is, we're all watching it.
Realize that criticizing O'Rourke is not the same as criticizing a player like Alex Rodriguez or Terrell Owens. Those guys get paid a lot of money to do what they do very well. They have worked years at being in their respective positions. They have a breadth of work behind them that shows they, in fact, CAN be utterly spectacular. If they don't perform, they've more than asked for the criticism, based on their salaries and proven skill.
This may sound harsh to say of him, but Danny O'Rourke has neither of those qualifiers.
O'Rourke isn't the high-priced center back we paid $200,000 to get from New England so he could fix our back line. He was traded from Houston to New York to Toronto to Columbus in his short career. He's a converted defensive midfielder who is being asked by his hometown club to fill a hole. Granted, he's done a poor job thus far, but let's wait and see if he doesn't mature into the role over the next four games, as it will certainly be a baptism by fire.
If you're angry that Sigi Schmid is playing him, or that Mark McCullers didn't buy a replacement at centerback for Marcos Gonzalez, then by all means, let the vitriol proceed. But make sure you're directing it at the right people.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Game 2: at New York Red Bulls
Fresh off a correct score prediction from last week, CTID tries to go 2/2 on the predictions tip. OK, so I got the goal scorers wrong, but I'll make up for it this week.
New York Red Bulls
What you need to know:
JPA and Altidore are the only non-shitty parts of this team.
New additions:
Jaeger, scooter for Claudio Reyna.
Biggest hole to fill:
Giants Stadium, at least for this year.
2008 Prediction:
Like the nimble co-ed who thinks she can hold her liquor, the Energy Drinks will start off strong, but eventually end up all wobbly and passed out on a park bench in front of their apartement. So, they're missing the playoffs. Also, if Jozy Altidore transfers to Europe, add the phrase "Roofies" to the previous analogy.
NYRB match preview here.
Game prediction:
Moffat scores again, and Robbie Rogers tallies for the first time as well. Both are assisted by Guillermo Barros Schelotto. JPA gets his first goal, but that's it, and the Crew win 2-1.
Finally, if you're going to the game, here a video of what to expect from the NY fans, especially the Long Island fans:
New York Red Bulls
What you need to know:
JPA and Altidore are the only non-shitty parts of this team.
New additions:
Jaeger, scooter for Claudio Reyna.
Biggest hole to fill:
Giants Stadium, at least for this year.
2008 Prediction:
Like the nimble co-ed who thinks she can hold her liquor, the Energy Drinks will start off strong, but eventually end up all wobbly and passed out on a park bench in front of their apartement. So, they're missing the playoffs. Also, if Jozy Altidore transfers to Europe, add the phrase "Roofies" to the previous analogy.
NYRB match preview here.
Game prediction:
Moffat scores again, and Robbie Rogers tallies for the first time as well. Both are assisted by Guillermo Barros Schelotto. JPA gets his first goal, but that's it, and the Crew win 2-1.
Finally, if you're going to the game, here a video of what to expect from the NY fans, especially the Long Island fans:
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Scouting the Opposition
This week the Crew take on the New York Red Bulls, or as they are more disaffectionately known around the league, the "Energy Drinks".
Here are their prime scoring weapons:
Juan Pablo Angel
- Played in Aregntina for River Plate, also spent time in England with Aston Villa.
- Scored 19 goals and 5 assists in 24 league matches last year for the Drinks. Basically, if he's on the field, he's responsible for a goal a game.
- 33 Caps for the Colombian national team.
Josmer "Jozy" Altidore
At nineteen, he is the next big thing in American soccer:
- Scored his first professional goal in MLS at age 16
- Scored 13 goals in his first full MLS season, at age 17
- Has already scored a goal with the U.S. Men's National team
- Drawn interest from Manchester United and Chelsea, who are going to be in a bidding war for him when the transfer window opens.
Fortunately for the Crew, the Energy Drinks are without speedy midfielder Dane Richards, who does a lot of the work to get the ball into space for these two weapons. Still, Chad Marshall, Danny O'Rourke, and the rest of the defense will have to be on their very top game, as both Altidore and Angel can be lethal with the ball at their feet from 30 yards and in.
Of course, the Crew have some young guns of our own in Robbie Rogers, Eddie Gaven, and the new sensation, Adam Moffat. This could end up being a very exciting, high-scoring game.
Here are their prime scoring weapons:
Juan Pablo Angel
- Played in Aregntina for River Plate, also spent time in England with Aston Villa.
- Scored 19 goals and 5 assists in 24 league matches last year for the Drinks. Basically, if he's on the field, he's responsible for a goal a game.
- 33 Caps for the Colombian national team.
Josmer "Jozy" Altidore
At nineteen, he is the next big thing in American soccer:
- Scored his first professional goal in MLS at age 16
- Scored 13 goals in his first full MLS season, at age 17
- Has already scored a goal with the U.S. Men's National team
- Drawn interest from Manchester United and Chelsea, who are going to be in a bidding war for him when the transfer window opens.
Fortunately for the Crew, the Energy Drinks are without speedy midfielder Dane Richards, who does a lot of the work to get the ball into space for these two weapons. Still, Chad Marshall, Danny O'Rourke, and the rest of the defense will have to be on their very top game, as both Altidore and Angel can be lethal with the ball at their feet from 30 yards and in.
Of course, the Crew have some young guns of our own in Robbie Rogers, Eddie Gaven, and the new sensation, Adam Moffat. This could end up being a very exciting, high-scoring game.
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