The Tipping Point

Watching that game on Thursday was more religious than anything the Pope could bring. And to describe the Crew's deserved and well-played 2-1 victory over D.C., Crew fans have had to resort to terms usually reserved for the masses. Hallelujah! Thank God! Holy S***! You get the idea. The win came ironically on the same day as the Pope made His Holiness' inaugural visit to the nation's capital. Ironic because this day will now hold holy significance for most prodigal Crew fans, as well as all the new converts the Crew no doubt gained by virtue of the game being on ESPN. To those who are new to the fold or returning after a long absence, we welcome you. Please, partake of the humble pie and apple juice, provided by St. Frankie.

But while watching the game at one of this Crew fan's Holiest of Holy places (Ruby Tuesday's on Summit), I had a revelation: This 2008 version of the Crew is a collection of badasses.

Let's face it: Frankie Hejduk may not be the type of guy who would cut your mother just to stop a goal, but he looks like he might. Danny O'Rourke will end his fair share of careers during the course of his. Gino Padula looks like a cross between Lemmy from Motorhead and The Jesus from Big Lebowski. And while Chad Marshall has the charming good looks and charisma you might expect from a Stanford grad, aren't those the type of people who end up as serial killers? Smiling, friendly, quiet, great neighbor, 20 heads in his freezer. You know what I mean? That's a scary back line.

Up front, you've got Adam Moffat, who's one Glidden paint spill away from looking like the reincarnation of William Wallace. And up front? Only two of the dirtiest, lying, cheating S.O.B's you'd ever want to meet: Alejandro Moreno and Guillermo Barros Schelotto. While many a Crew fan has a special place in their heart for these two, and rightly so, we have to take the "proud parent" lenses off for a second and realize that these guys would piss us off if they were on any other team. If you doubt the lying and cheating aspect, witness Alejandro Moreno's complete fabrication of the foul in the box against Chivas. He grabbed the defenders jersey, hooked onto him, and as the two were running together, Moreno fell over, in the box, and drew the foul. The Holy Father would have a whale of a confessional with Mr. Moreno.

And talk about breaking and entering? Guilermo fights and claws through defenders like Wolverine looking for Jean Grey or Jubilee (depending if you watched the movie or the cartoons). Also, I'm pretty sure a lot of hardline evangelicals think the Harry Potter books are evil because of witchcraft. Well, how else might one explain Guille's ability to work his way through three defenders, than to look at sources of the occult? When Guille does gets fouled, pray to God you're not a referee. Only the Almighty can save you from the constant bitch-fest Guille embarks on whenevrer he is grazed, let alone fouled. And this assessment isn't even taking into account the lack of sportsmanship (which is a sin, according to ESPN.com) Guille exhibits whenever the opposing team is trying to line up a free kick, or get the ball from him after a Crew foul was called. Were he on another team, he would be a bastard.

But, he's not. He's on this band of misfits and castaways, a group that is taking MLS by storm and looking like thugs while they do it. Of course this is not to say the Crew haven't looked good while doing it, as they have. Nor does it signify that they were the less talented team. They earned all nine points they got this year, but more in the sense that an art thief who properly plans his heist earns the piece he swipes from the museum. It's not that a thief doesn't work hard; quite to the contrary, he works hard to get what he wants by any means necessary. Well, doesn't that describe the guys on this Crew team? They're dirty, they're cheap, and they just might win it all.

From here on out, I'm proposing that the Crew start using The Roots' song "Don't Say Nothin" as their theme song. (If you've never heard it, it's posted below) The league isn't ready for the Crew, and if they aren't careful, the lyrics of this song will ring true.

My home team doin visitors in, don't test em/
They all standing close to the edge, so don't stress em/

Give it here, and don't say nothin/
Give it here, and don't say nothin/

DC, Chivas, Toronto, and 80 minutes against New York are a warning. MLS better watch out, because the Crew have a good chance to take the trophy. Don't say nothin'.

Amen.