Crew Fiction

Scene: After an absolute disaster of a season has left the Crew offices a bloody mess, Mark McCullers picks up his phone to call in some help from an old friend.

(A doorbell rings at the Crew training facilities in late March, about a week before the season begins. Coach Sigi Schmid answers to find a well-coifed man in his 50's standing on the doorstep. The man is Winston Wolf).

Winston Wolf - You're...Sigi, right, this is your team?
Sigi - Sure is.
WW - I'm Winston Wolfe. I solve problems.
Sigi - Good, we've got one.
WW - So I heard. May I come in?
Sigi - Uh, yeah please do.

(Entering the training grounds, Wolf notices two players standing next to each other)

WW (to the first player) - You must be Guillermo. (to the other player) Which would make you Frankie. Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking. Is that right, Sigi?
Sigi - Uh, yes. 100%.
WW - The fans are tired of 3 years of missing the playoffs, and if there isn't marked improvement soon you might be out of a job, is that correct?
Sigi - Uh-huh.
WW - I was led to belive that if the Crew plays at home as poorly as they did last season, the fans wouldn't appreciate it none too much?
Sigi - They wouldn't, yeah.
WW - Alright. That gives us (looks at pocket Crew schedule) roughly 10 games to get the team on the right path, or else we're all gonna have to get the fuck outta dodge. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty of time. Now, you've got some game films from last year? Lead me to 'em.

(All four proceed to the film room. Winston Wolf begins watching the game film. He sighs. The rest crowd around as he watches.)

WW - Sigi, Do me a favor will ya? Thought I smelled some coffee back there. Can you bring me a cup?
Sigi - Shouldn't I stay and watch the film with you so you can see my brilliant strategies from last year?
WW - That won't be necessary. Just bring me some coffee.
Sigi - OK. (pauses for a moment) How do you take it?
WW - Lotsa sugar. Lotsa cream.
Sigi - Got it. (exits)
WW (to the players) - About the team, anything I should know? Does it play as a unit? Does it possess the ball well? Defending? Anything I should know?
Frankie - Aside from how our record looked last year, the team is cool.
WW - Positive? Don't get me out there watching a real game and and find out the left back doesn't have a good work rate.
Frankie - Oh, right yeah. Rusty Pierce and Tim Ward are terrible. But other than that, the mothafucka's tip-top.
WW (shutting off the game film) - Good enough. Let's go back to the main office.

(WW, Guille and Frankie all head back into the office, where Sigi is pouring Wolfe a cup of joe. Sigi hands the cup to WW.)

Sigi - Here you go, Mr. Wolf.
WW - Thanks Sigi. (he takes a nice, long sip.) Hokay. First thing: (motions to Guille and Frankie) You two. Take the game film from last year, and flush it down the drain. (turns to Sigi) Now Sigi. This looks to be a fully funtional soccer facility, which would lead me to believe there are soccer balls, goals, practice jerseys, shit like that lying around?
Sigi - Yeah, yeah, yeah Mr. Wolf, they're under the Fair Play 2007 Award banner we won last year.
WW - Good. (turns back to the players). I need you two fellas to take one of those soccer balls and tell everyone on your team to share it. Tell them to learn how to shoot it at the goal, and not always look to pass it inside the 18 yard box. Shoot it with one touch if necessary. I'm talking fast, fast, fast. You need to go into the box and scoop up all the rebounds and crosses, and deposit them into the back of the net.

Frankie, you need to clean up the defense. Now, when it comes to defense it don't need to be spic and span. You don't need to win off it. Just give it a good once over. What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. You see the little groups of forwards that are gathering at the top of the 18 yard box? You gotta gobble that shit up.

(Turn back to Sigi) Sigi, we need to raid your cell phone contacts. I need forwards, I need a left back, a couple of veterans, some depth on the bench, anything you can find we need it. The tougher the better.

(now adressing all) We need to take points at home so our record will look better than it has. If a soccer journo really looks at the players we've signed in the offseason, he'll see we're not much better, and the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, things will appear to be normal. Sigi, come with me. Boys get to work.
Guille - "Please" would be nice.
WW (Stops in his tracks, turns and looks at Guillermo) - Come again?
Guillermo - I said "A 'Please' would be nice."
WW - Get it straight buster. I'm not here to say please, I'm here to tell you what to do. And if winning soccer games is an instinct you possess, you better fuckin' do it, and do it quick. I'm here to help. If my help's not appreciated? Lots of luck, gentlemen.
Frankie - No, no, no Mr. Wolf, it ain't like that, your help is definitely appreciated.
Guille - Mr. Wolf, listen. I don't mean no disprespect, OK, I respect you. I just don't like people barking orders at me, that's all.
WW - If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to score goals fast if you want to get into the playoffs this year. So...pretty please, with sugar on top, score some fuckin' goals.

END SCENE.

(Guille and Frankie put into practice all they were told to do by Mr. Wolf. After three weeks of the season, they ask him to inspect the work they've done.)



Are we past phase one (winning at home)? Maybe. But phase two is going to involve getting points on the road against Eastern Conference foes. And it starts Thursday night. Can the Crew be up to the task? Hopefully. But let's heed the Wolf's advice until we see some hardware.