Wait, how many titles did they win again?

Last night I was at Crew Stadium for the Crew Reserves MASSIVE beatdown of "legendary" side Independiente. After seeing the amount of comments/homophobic statements/bomb threats that Ryan's post generated, I figured I would see thousands of scarlet-clad supporters swaying from the steel-girded upper and lower decks of CCS.

Instead, I think I counted 5 people wearing red. It actually may have been one family. So, apparently, Independiente fans can't be bothered to stop their usual pastime (googling "Independiente" and jerking it to the results) to come and actually support their club, because they certainly weren't at the game. Boca Juniors fans, these guys ain't.

The Crew did however manage to throttle the Independiente reserves 2-1, thanks to great finishes by Robbie Rogers and Jason Garey. The Argies can say that they didn't play their full squad, but neither did the Crew. Maybe we could win 15 championships if we played in Argentina. After all, we still have the best player in the history of Argentine football playing for the Crew.

OK, so now that I've made every Independiente blogger's head explode, let's have a good ol' fashioned recap of the actual game:

- Core Elenio didn't look too bad. Lots of hustle, I could see him being a poor man's Alejandro Moreno.

- Ekpo walked off in the 23rd minute with some kind of injury. No word on how bad it was.

- Andy Iro had a nice lovetap to give to one of the Reds, sending him crashing into the signboards in front of the Nordecke. I think he needs to do that more often. He could be nasty if he decides to be mean.

- Lenhart, Pierre-Louis, and Junge are all very raw. But Pierre-Louis assisted on Garey's goal, and Lenhart had some opportunities. Still the Crew were very limited offensively for the stretch in the first half where Ekpo came out and Rogers was not yet subbed in (Robbie was subbed in at half-time).

- The keeper for Independiente? Fabian Assmann.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my next new favorite transfer target for any MLS team to get? It's this guy. With a name like Assmann, he's perfectly built to be harrassed by the Nordecke. I pray to God he gets a deal with DC, just so we can fully unleash the hate.

To give you an example, myself, Jehrico, and about 5 others started yelling "You suck, Assman!" whenever Assmann had a goal kick. Also, there was some humming of the the "Batman" theme from the 60's TV show, while of course replacing key lyric with "Ass Man!" Imagine if we had a whole week to prepare!!!

- Speaking of funny stories, Jehrico was telling me he had trouble Google mapping how far it is to get to Buenos Aires from Columbus. He said the site wouldn't work it out because their are dirt roads in the way. This led to us pretending to imitate what a TomTom would sound like being taken through one of those areas. Quite funny. You should have been there.

- I got stopped by a reporter from the Other Paper for tips on how to write an interesting article on the Crew.

Just kidding. He stopped me to ask about the Nordecke, so maybe there will be a feature about it tomorrow or next week? For those not in the know, the Other Paper is like the artsy-independent paper in town. Kind of the Megadeath to the Dispatch's Metallica. Plus it's free, so that's nice.

- I bought some new running shoes, which of course are Black and Gold. I did wear them to the game, and the Crew won. They'll be coming with me to wherever I watch the RSL game this week.

-Finally can anyone tell me who this is?



If you guessed former Akron Zips player and current Crew trialist Devin McKenney, you're probably his mom. For crying out loud, he didn't even have a name on the back of his kit. Apparently he's getting quite the trial here with the Crew: a whole 2 minutes, plus stoppage time, of a friendly? Calm down there, Sigi, let's not rush him out there or anything...

Also, if you google his name, the first thing that comes up is his Facebook page. So, wish him luck I guess.

Silly Game Preview will be up later today or tomorrow.

Not in the Face! Not in the Face!

As I was walking back to my car after the Crew's 2-0 loss to San Jose, I apparently picked up a tick. It's a wonder that Crew fans aren't one of the high-risk demographics for Lyme Disease, seeing how infrequently the grass is cut in the atrocious parking lots around CCS. I was more shocked than usual to pick up a tick, as I had thought all the life had already been sucked out of me during the game. But apparently, I still had something to give.

Once again, this game leaves us with more questions than answers. Below are some I still have, and may not get the answers to.

1. Are the referees in this league all slowly going blind? And if so, is it due to glaucoma? And if that is so, can they score us some weed?

Ricardo Salazar issued 21 fouls to San Jose, yet it took a 2nd yellow to draw a red card for any of the San Jose players. It took 33 minutes for San Jose to draw yellow, even though they had been hammering the Crew forwards from the outset. Brad Evans gets sent off for a foul at midfield that was a yellow at worst and his only caution; yet 5 minutes later, Eric Denton saves a sure goal by committing a similar foul on Frankie Hejduk just outside of the penalty area, and only sees yellow?

Meanwhile, Don Garber is busy watching Youtube and putting up "Wanted" posters in party supply stores. The willful ignorance this league exhibits towards it's awful officiating only underlines the hypocrisy they exhibit when they release mandates against the fans under the guise of "player safety".

Which reminds me: Can someone with some time and video-editing experience put together a video of all the fouls Robbie Rogers has suffered since he scored his 5th goal? A good song for the montage would be NIN's song "Hurt" sung by Johnny Cash.


2. Why did it take this long for Ekpo and Zayner to crack the starting lineup? And can I have some more Andy Iro?

I know Ekpo misplayed some balls on offense. But that's bound to happen when you only have less than an hour on the field with first team all season. There were plenty of times where Expo looked more dangerous than Paris Hilton driving a tanker truck full of anthrax. And Zayner, Iro, or Junge all looked like more competent options than Ezra at BOTH positions he can still barely play. Zayner was unlucky to not have MLS goal of the Week by hitting the crossbar, and Iro is much faster than advertised.

Even though we lost 2-0, San Jose had exactly TWO shots on goal, so it's not like the defense was a problem tonight. And yes, that does mean that William Tecumseh Hesmer had ZERO saves against the Quakes, completing the rarely-seen and ignominious Keeper Shutout.

So what WAS the problem? I'll answer that with another question:


3. Where did the offense of the first 7 games go?

I know, Robbie and Alejandro have been getting facefuls of turf of late. But why can't we seem to finish on the chances those fouls create?

Oh, that's right. Because outside of Moreno, we don't have a true forward on the team. And it might also have something to do with the fact that teams around the league are able to foul our speed into submission, then lay back and absorb our chances that result because we don't have anyone who has proven worthwhile at getting on the good side of one of these free kicks or crosses.

Wait, what was that noise? Was that our Designated Player slot sitting over in the corner getting moldy? Can you hear mold growing?

We were bound to swoon at some point, but it has been 367 minutes since we scored, and we've just gone scoreless against the last team we HAD previously scored against. If there is a panic button, it should be getting the "PANIC" letters worn off it at this point due to repeated pressing. Dark times to be sure, and with Padula and Moffat still on the shelf, the Crew need someone to step up. Maybe it can be Ekpo or Zayner (who hopefully earned a starting spot at LB until Padula gets healthy), but someone needs to do it. And quick.

Finally, for anyone who didn't get the title, it's a semi-obscure reference to The Tick. Here's the context:



If someone could make a "SPOON!" banner, I would be forever grateful.

Speaking of banners, there was some 10-year old kid who was taking down banners after the game. One of them was a painting that bore striking resemblance to Franklin Hedge Duke. I asked him where he got them, and he said "I made them." If anyone sees this kid at the next game, give him some money for a Mountain Dew or something.

Crew Nation: Holden Beach, NC.

Greetings from Holden Beach, North Carolina. I am taking a much needed vacation with the fam, and getting a lot of sun. I've been rocking my Crew gear, and have been stopped on more than one occasion by people from Columbus asking if the Crew are as good as advertised. So, apparently, some buzz is building. Unfortunately, I am staying at a place with no internet access. Still, thanks to a tiny ice cream shop in the tiny town of Shallotte that had free Wi-Fi, I was able to watch the Crew's 0-0 sister kiss with Toronto. I can't do the running diary this week, but still, I do have some thoughts about what I liked and disliked about the Crew's performance.



The Good:

- The Crew have taken 4 points in their last two road games, which has to be considered an improvement over the last three years.

- Will Hesmer got another clean sheet. And don't doubt for a second that he had the shot off the woodwork covered, because he did.

- The Reds were vastly improved since the last time the Crew played them. The Crew, meanwhile, were short-staffed, being without the services of Adam Moffat, Gino Padula, and even Stefani Miglioranzi. With Toronto always being tough at home due to their crappy field and annoying fans, points are welcome. While it's disappointing to not get the full three, the Crew remain unbeaten in the last 6 games, and are a tie away from getting to 20 points before the month of May ends.

- Chicago lost, puting them three behind us. The Crew could have a six point lead on New England as well, depending on what happens in our major tilt this weekend weekend.


The Bad:

- The Crew continue to have trouble creating space on Field Turf. Our offensive chances were not really dangerous as much as they were "mildly offensive". Which works in both senses of the phrase.

- Sigi's substitution policy continues to baffle.

With Brad Evans and EZ on the field, Sigi couldn't go with his normally absurd subs. Instead of making the natural, most logical sub (Ekpo for Gaven), Sigi pulls the Jed Zayner card out of his hip pocket. He then proceeded to eat his last two subs. Having little internet acces this weekend, I haven't even read his postgame comments, but my guess is that his reasoning is that he wanted to stay conservative since we had a point on the road. This shouldn't be a shock, as the Rotund One is notorious for being conservative on the road. And you can't argue with taking points in away stadiums. Still, I can't decide if Sigmund's tentative road gameplan is brilliant or negligent.

- Toronto's fans. Sure they were loud at times, and they are the only other fan base that even comes close to throwing as many streamers as Columbus. But there were LOOOOONG stretches where the 20,000 Crimson Idiots were stone silent. Guess they don't know what to do when the physical evidence on the pitch doesn't jive with their nonsensical delusions.


The Ugly:

- Ezra Hendrickson. We love you EZ, you've always given it your best, but you are not first team material anymore. I'm sorry.

Whew, that was rough, but I think it went well. Now, can we please get our Gino back? We not only lose good defense without Padula; the offensive threat he brings is undeniable. An with Mr. Kick Medic coming to town next weekend, we will need both to keep pace with the Revs.

- Eddie Gaven's offensive chances. While he continues to play solid defense, at some point, he has to produce offense to justify his spot in the best eleven. And on Saturday he continued showing less and less in the offensive third. He played shots that should have been crosses at least 4 times. He also was lax in making support runs. We can make the playoffs with how he's playing now; we could be MLS champs if he plays to his supposed capability.

- We did mention the Toronto fans, right?

Overall, Toronto played one of their best games ever, the Crew played mediocre at best, and the score was still 0-0. I'll take that. Next week, the Crew will get their toughest home challenge yet. This will be the first true six-pointer we've had this season. Plus it's Buck-a-Brat night, so you'll have to evolve a third hand to hold your brat, your beer, and your streamer this weekend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some beach soccer to play...

Columbus 2 : Toronto 0

Toronto made a lot of noise about bringing down 2500 fans for the first game of the season in Crew Stadium. Ironically, those 2500 fans made little to no noise during and after the game they came to see, as The Black and Gold administered the textbook definition of an ass-whippin' in their 2-0 domination of the Red Snatch Boys. For this week, at least, the Crew are top of the table!

Three key moments in the game:

1. Adam Moffat's goal.

The first goal of the 2008 MLS Season was a beauty by the Scottish marksman. Getting on the board early set the tone for the type of style we hope to see from the Crew this year. And getting the midfield involved in the scoring is always a plus. Moffat will be the surprise of 2008 for many Crew fans.

2. Will Hesmer's PK stop.

The play of the game, without a doubt. Hesmer was put in an awful position by an iffy call, but he made the stop. That might be the most spectacular play from a keeper I've ever seen live. That shutdown absolutely killed any momentum Toronto had going into halftime.

3. Eddie Gaven's pass.

Everyone will remember Moreno's goal, but I will remember the pass that put Moreno in position to finish. Definitely not the best game we've seen from Eddie Gaven, but he played much better in the 2nd half than the first. If he could stop clogging up the middle when we're on the attack, he would be one of our best weapons. And it's about time we play a ball to space and let our fast forward run onto it.

Offensively, the Crew attack was relentless, and it was very encouraging to see the boys bury two shots low and in the corners. Schelotto looks a step slower, if that's even possible, but as always, he was dangerous with the ball and on set pieces. Robbie Rogers was all over the field, and Moreno again brought his lunchpail.

In the midfield, Adam Moffat and Brian Carroll did a great job of holding and distributing, which is encouraging, since they are the newest faces in the middle. Hopefully, Gaven can show more of the passing he exhibited on the Moreno goal.

Defensively, it was a solid first effort for the new unit, minus a couple of hiccups in the opening minutes. Chad Marshall was a rock, Danny O'Rourke was violent as always, and Frankie did a tremendous job in getting forward and hustling back. Unfortunately, Miglioranzi is not the answer at left back, so the addition of Gino Padilla will be welcome.

As far as the fans go, Hudson Street, La Turbina, and Union 103 brought the house down. One game down, and the new corner is louder than any of us expected. Hopefully, the great atmosphere will continue when we take on the Goats April 12th.

Overall, it was a tremendous day to be a Crew fan, and it's a very encouraging start to the 2008 season. Let's hope we can get points against the Energy Drinks next week..

I hope to post pictures from the game tomorrow.