Not in the Face! Not in the Face!

As I was walking back to my car after the Crew's 2-0 loss to San Jose, I apparently picked up a tick. It's a wonder that Crew fans aren't one of the high-risk demographics for Lyme Disease, seeing how infrequently the grass is cut in the atrocious parking lots around CCS. I was more shocked than usual to pick up a tick, as I had thought all the life had already been sucked out of me during the game. But apparently, I still had something to give.

Once again, this game leaves us with more questions than answers. Below are some I still have, and may not get the answers to.

1. Are the referees in this league all slowly going blind? And if so, is it due to glaucoma? And if that is so, can they score us some weed?

Ricardo Salazar issued 21 fouls to San Jose, yet it took a 2nd yellow to draw a red card for any of the San Jose players. It took 33 minutes for San Jose to draw yellow, even though they had been hammering the Crew forwards from the outset. Brad Evans gets sent off for a foul at midfield that was a yellow at worst and his only caution; yet 5 minutes later, Eric Denton saves a sure goal by committing a similar foul on Frankie Hejduk just outside of the penalty area, and only sees yellow?

Meanwhile, Don Garber is busy watching Youtube and putting up "Wanted" posters in party supply stores. The willful ignorance this league exhibits towards it's awful officiating only underlines the hypocrisy they exhibit when they release mandates against the fans under the guise of "player safety".

Which reminds me: Can someone with some time and video-editing experience put together a video of all the fouls Robbie Rogers has suffered since he scored his 5th goal? A good song for the montage would be NIN's song "Hurt" sung by Johnny Cash.


2. Why did it take this long for Ekpo and Zayner to crack the starting lineup? And can I have some more Andy Iro?

I know Ekpo misplayed some balls on offense. But that's bound to happen when you only have less than an hour on the field with first team all season. There were plenty of times where Expo looked more dangerous than Paris Hilton driving a tanker truck full of anthrax. And Zayner, Iro, or Junge all looked like more competent options than Ezra at BOTH positions he can still barely play. Zayner was unlucky to not have MLS goal of the Week by hitting the crossbar, and Iro is much faster than advertised.

Even though we lost 2-0, San Jose had exactly TWO shots on goal, so it's not like the defense was a problem tonight. And yes, that does mean that William Tecumseh Hesmer had ZERO saves against the Quakes, completing the rarely-seen and ignominious Keeper Shutout.

So what WAS the problem? I'll answer that with another question:


3. Where did the offense of the first 7 games go?

I know, Robbie and Alejandro have been getting facefuls of turf of late. But why can't we seem to finish on the chances those fouls create?

Oh, that's right. Because outside of Moreno, we don't have a true forward on the team. And it might also have something to do with the fact that teams around the league are able to foul our speed into submission, then lay back and absorb our chances that result because we don't have anyone who has proven worthwhile at getting on the good side of one of these free kicks or crosses.

Wait, what was that noise? Was that our Designated Player slot sitting over in the corner getting moldy? Can you hear mold growing?

We were bound to swoon at some point, but it has been 367 minutes since we scored, and we've just gone scoreless against the last team we HAD previously scored against. If there is a panic button, it should be getting the "PANIC" letters worn off it at this point due to repeated pressing. Dark times to be sure, and with Padula and Moffat still on the shelf, the Crew need someone to step up. Maybe it can be Ekpo or Zayner (who hopefully earned a starting spot at LB until Padula gets healthy), but someone needs to do it. And quick.

Finally, for anyone who didn't get the title, it's a semi-obscure reference to The Tick. Here's the context:



If someone could make a "SPOON!" banner, I would be forever grateful.

Speaking of banners, there was some 10-year old kid who was taking down banners after the game. One of them was a painting that bore striking resemblance to Franklin Hedge Duke. I asked him where he got them, and he said "I made them." If anyone sees this kid at the next game, give him some money for a Mountain Dew or something.