Smitty's Silly Match Preview: Los Angeles Galaxy

Celebrities are made every day on the internet, whether it be by doing a spot-on impersonation of Sarah Palin, or by playing Dragon Force on Guitar Hero 3 while blindfolded, or by taking a picture a day of yourself for a year. Face it, when we hear the word celebrity, starlets like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie take away from the true meaning of the word. A real celebrity is someone who can hold an audience of thousands in utter awe, someone who causes grown men and women alike to stare when they walk in a room, someone whose face on a billboard can sell a bag of crap with rusty nails poking out of it. A real celebrity can travel to multiple countries, and get a table whenever he wants it, wherever he wants it.

With all these fake celebrities running around, it'll be refreshing to finally see a REAL celebrity on the field Saturday night in Crew Stadium:



Wait...who did you think I was talking about?

GAME 27 - LOS ANGELES GALAXY



What You Need To Know: Bruce Arena says that soccer in the midwest is a "circus", which many people though was a slam on Middle America. In reality, he was just trying to say that Cuahetemoc Blanco is a grade-A clown.

New Additions: Eddie Lewis was brought in so some of the lesser-paid players could use his AARP discount at the local Dennys.

Chances Of Making The Playoffs:About as real as Posh Spice's Sweater Puppies (TM).

Topical Insult Of The Week: "Hay all you Galaxy fans! Maybe the government will send you a rescue package to save your season!"

Or, if you're less sensitive:

"Even though they found Steve Fossett's remains, rescuers are saying there is no hope of finding Alexi Lalas's resume anywhere for the next 12 months."

What, too soon?

Crew Notes:

- Coach Sigi Schmid and Captain Frankie Hejduk will not be able to stalk the sidelines and lead the team into victory, after getting thrown out of last week's match. Look for Sigi to be hanging out at the concession stands. As for Frankie? He'll be putting new meaning into the phrase "going on a beer run..."

- New song this week for the Nordeck (to the tune of "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls)-

If you wanna make the playoffs
You've gotta play some D
Landon cannot win it
If you lose 4-3

If you wanna make the playoffs
It's not a likely dream
But you can always root for
A F***ing Massive Team!

Match preview here.

Prediction: Gino Padula makes mincemeat of David Beckham (best matchup of the year, for me), Andy Iro and Chad Marshall punish Lando Cal Prissycakes, and California Boys Robbie Rogers and Chad Marshall make Bruce Arena wish there was a fence around Cali, as they score in the Crew's 3-0 walk.

Smitty's Silly Match Preview: New York Red Bulls

Columbus returns from the land of the Canucks, only to be welcomed to the temporary land of the utility trucks. Hurricane Ike, in Ohio? Can someone email George W. Bush and tell him the Haliburton Hurricane Machine is supposed to hit the Gulf Coast, and not the Midwest? Seriously dude, WTF?

Still, even a cautious outside observer would be compelled to tell the Crew's head coach, "You're doing a heckuva job, Sigi." Only in this case, he really is. But of late, the team compiled by Mr. Osorio in New York is faring pretty well, going 4-1-1 in it's last six. When two of the hottest teams in MLS collide with a high pressure system of being the game of the week on ESPN2, it's bound to be a storm of biblical proportions. Hope you've got power by then...

GAME 25 - NEW YORK RED BULLS



What You Need To Know: Before getting a last-minute sponsorship offer from Red Bull, New York almost inked a deal that would have made them "New York Crystal Light."

New Additions: Mac Kandji, a Senegalese forward New York snagged from Atlanta of USL 1, will not play this week against Columbus due to fear.

Well, that and a sprained ankle. But fear first.

Chances of making the playoffs:

The Crew? About as likely as John Wolyniec winning a Taylor Hicks look-a-like contest.

New York? More like Wolyniec getting a gig endorsing Just for Men; it makes sense, just don't know if he'll be able to seal the deal.

Topical Insult of the Week: "Hey New York fans! Columbus is going to beat you like the housing crisis beat up Fannie Mae! Only, there won't be a federal reserve and quorum of Senators to save your ass!"

Crew Notes:

- Guillermo Barros Schelotto will be resting his ailing hamstrings for a second straight week, in preperation for New England on Sept. 27th. Apparently, they're a little worn from carrying around Guille's Massive Balls.

Match preview here.

Prediction: The Crew replicate their mad scoring dash of 2004, where they scored 4 goals on New York to win 4-2. This time, Gaven scores for the Crew (he played for New York back then), as do Moreno, Marshall, and Garey. Noonan and Rogers get 2 assists apiece.

Smitty's Silly Game Preview: @ Real Salt Lake

The Crew are in the midst of a four game unbeaten streak, which nearly makes up for the four game scoreless streak they had prior to that. Trying to thwart the Crew from staying undefeated in their last 5 is a team undefeated at home in 2008. But seriously, is Salt Lake for "Real"?

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...*tear....ahahahaha.....whew....I crack myself up.

REAL SALT LAKE


WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: RSL Boss Jason Kreis is suspended yet again for comments he made criticizing the refs after a 0-0 draw with Houston last week. Kreis will miss the next two games and pay $2,000 to MLS.

In other news, apparently MLS coaches are only paid enough that $2,000 is looked upon as a financial penalty. What do they do for a 3rd offense? Take away your Rollover minutes?

NEW ADDITIONS: RSL's new stadium will be hosting the MLS All-Star game in 2009. However, none of the RSL players will be expected to play in it.

BIGGEST HOLES TO FILL: The mouths of any dependents of Jason Kreis over the next few weeks. They might be in need of some mac n' cheese and orange drink.

2008 PREDICTION: Mormons don't believe in your voodoo witchcraft.

Match Preview here.

GAME PREDICTION:

Robbie Rogers, stoked from his MLS All-Star assignment, gets a goal, and Guille gets one as well. Crew win 2-0.

Finally, for those who have never seen it, here's a South Park explanation of the Mormon faith.

Smitty's Silly Game Preview: Chicago F*re

A full-fledged, unabashed, Smitty's Silly Game Preview? Like the Weezer song and this absurd Frankie Hejduk rumor, say it ain't so! This week the Crew will be looking to light up some roman candles, bottle rockets, and sidewinders (just don't call them "f*reworks"...) against the inbred filth from Chicago. And maybe on this proud 4th of July, you're looking for someone to light your fuse? Whatever you do, get all your smokebombs and poppers out of your system before heading into Crew Stadium, but please bring your red, white, and blue streamers to the House that Lamar Built. FSC wants a good show...

CHICAGO F*IRE


WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Cuauhtemoc Blanco is a pretentious little ass, and not just because of all the whining and diving he does on the pitch; his name is an affront to readers all over the world. Two "U"s? Who the hell does this guy think he is?

Word has it though that Blanco is Schelotto's "Buiutch".

NEW ADDITIONS: Jon Busch, former Crew keeper, was rumored to have one of the larger Mo Johnstons in MLS. However, due to leaving the Massive club last year, he was forced to have some "corrective surgery." His new team nickname is "Slot".

BIGGEST HOLES TO FILL: Sooooooooooooooo not going there...

2008 PREDICTION: Millions of fans will suddenly realize the severe political incorrectness of naming a Chicago team after one of the city's worst tragedies and demand the F*re change their name. After much deliberation, the team will be known as the "Ferris Bueller's Day Off(Side)".

Match Preview here.

GAME PREDICTION: Not making one, though with The Polish Rifle Bob Warzycha (and for those not in the know, it's "var-ZEE-ha") at the helm, I think the Crew will put forth an effort our forefathers could be proud of. If they would've known and understood the game of soccer, that is.

Smitty's (abbreviated) Silly Game Preview

I've been debating on whether or not to return to doing the Silly Game Preview. You see, for the past two weeks, I've been waist deep in home improvement projects and work, both of which having prevented me from posting the preview. During the same two weeks, the Crew have taken 4 points in two road matches and scored 6 goals after not scoring any for 4 straight. Am I saying that the Crew have been so angered by not seeing a silly game preview, they've been playing a level or two up to make me put away time to do the Silly Game Preview?

Of course.

But I've wondered if doing a preview will jinx the good mojo the Crew seem to have going over these last few weeks. I was honestly thinking of just not doing one this week, to see if we can get back to winning at home. Then, out of nowhere, the mythical soccer gods I don't believe in provided a path for me...

I was looking for some good Crapids material to post, a funny picture I could photshop, anything to get me in the creatively funny direction. While searching for a picture of Pablo Mastroeni, I came across some of the most brutally disturbing pictures I have ever seen. They were taken by the New York Times back in 2002, and they feature some of the greatest soccer products America has produced, wearing God-only-knows what posing in a way that would make Richard Simmons mudwrestling with Sigfried and Roy seem like average heterosexual activity.

See cases in point, complete with nicknames:


Brian "Blueboy" McBride



Kasey "Come Hither" Keller


Clint "Wanna Tap This?" Mathis


Cobi "Spread Eagle" Jones

And finally, the picture that started it all off:



Pablo "My Ass Now Ready" Mastroeni

Seriously, how did I go for 6 years without seeing this? And how did these guys end up being the best WC team the US fielded in over 50 years? Does this in some way diminish what they did on the field?

One thing is certain: The soccer gods I don't believe in made no doubt about the fact that I am not meant to writer a Silly Game Preview, because I may possibly be projectile vomiting and crying the rest of the night.

Still, while I go search for eye, brain, and heart bleach, here are the basics:

Game Preview here. This one is the FSC Game of the week. So set them DVRs.

My prediction: It's time for Ekpo. He gets his first goal, and Big Willie styles to another clean sheet, after a terrible performance against L.A.

Crew win 2-0, Toronto wins 3-2, and Sigi coaches the MLS All-Star Team to a bunkertastic draw.

Smitty's Silly Preview - Game 11: San Jose

If MLS were a hospital, and the Crew were a patient, the appropriate medical diagnosis to describe the Crew's lineups of late would have to be something along the lines of "herpes". You can live with it, but it definitely decreases your chances of scoring. But the boys are returning home, and if Don Garber truly were a doctor, one would have to assume he couldn't prescribe any better rehabilitation for the Crew than a game against San Jose.

Oh and speaking of doctors and medical and such, Moffat could be out for the season, and Padula isn't back to health yet. Good times.

SAN JOSE


WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Kai Kamara, the latest flaming douche to join the ranks of other Crew enemies like Razov, Joseph, Heaps, and Moreno, will not be playing this weekend, due to a national team call up for Sierra Leone. Some will say the SL National Team can beat Nigeria, but frankly, I don't think they have a leg to stand on.

Oh, and speaking of douchebags, let's not forget former Crew player and current San Jose player Eric Denton, who once famously flipped off Columbus fans while he was still playing for the Black and Gold. And yes, I just linked back to my own article.

NEW ADDITIONS: The Quakes gave John Cunliffe some playing time last week, and it seemed he did well. Also, San Jose just purchased a few more lawn chairs, bringing the full capacity of Buck Shaw Stadium to 74.

BIG HOLES TO FILL: Well-meaning San Jose players will still be trying to fill the net at Crew Stadium. Unfortunately, there will be more balls on the CCS stage than if the Crewzers all turned out to be transvestites. Speaking of, (Crewzers, not transvestites), let's hope the Girls in Gold all have medical coverage in the off case that Ned Grabavoy lines up a free kick.

2008 PREDICTION: San Jose will win another game this season. Maybe.

(Sadly, many of you don't realize how flimsy of a limb that truly is.)

Match preview here.

GAME PREDICTION: With Moffat and Padula out, and with the Crew having not scored since, well, the last time we played San Jose, Sigi finally gets off his ass and erases the lineup he's been putting up on the whiteboard these last three weeks. Out comes Evans and EZ, in comes Ekpo, Junge, and Lenhart, the Crew go with a 3-man back line, and win 5-0. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

In all seriousness, I do believe Robbie Rogers takes out some frustrations on San Jose, and the Crew win a nailbiter 3-2.

Smitty's Silly Match Preview - Game 10: @ Chivas USA

The Crew are coming off a long week. Nevermind anything else that might have gone on surrounding the team, when you have 3 games in 7 days, and one of those games is on the other sides of the country, it can be more taxing than the California Legislature.

Fortunately, the Crew get to head to beautiful shores of California to take on the Cheevus Goats, a team we've already beaten once this year.

CHIVAS USA


What You Need To Know: After their last meeting, not only does Robbie Rogers own Brad Guzan, he also own's Guzan's house, car, and collection of Barbies. If the last game were an episode of "Pinks", Robbie ran in the low 9's while Guzan's vehicle smoked and sputtered before throwing a rod.

New Additions: Is it just me, or do a few of the ChivaGirls appear to have gotten...um..."enhanced"?



Also, in completely unrelated news, the Chivs Youth Soccer Academy is suffering a shortage of size 3 balls.

Biggest Holes to Fill: Here are all of the contract players who are OUT for this Saturday's game:

- Jonathan Bornstein
- Alecko Eskandarian
- Maykel Galindo
- Lawson Vaughn
- Raphael Wicky
- Alex Zotinca

Not "Probable," or "Doubtful," or "Questionable." OUT. Not playing. Add in the fact that Claudio Suarez and Shavar Thomas are both listed as "Questionable," and the Crew are going to be playing a bunch of backups. So, I would guess there are some holes to fill this weekend.

2008 Prediction: Chivas wasn't that good to start off, but then again, the West is terrible. Look for a Superclassico Western Conference Final, with both L.A. teams in the mix.

Match Preview here.

Game Prediction: The Crew get back off the losing train, and get back 3 points on the road to make up for the 3 they lost at home last week. Goals by Robbie Rogers, Adam Moffat, and Chad Marshall. Chivas goal by Sasha Kljestan. Crew win 3-1.

Smitty's Silly Crew Preview: Game 9 - New England

After a stunning tie to the Canucks, the Black and Gold are ready to get back in the win column. It's Buck-A-Brat night so make sure you buy at least one extra to throw at the first Revs player to take a corner.

New England

Andy Herron's finest moment as a Crew player.


What You Need To Know: Taylor Twellman is doubtful with a strained labia.

New Additions: Some guy named "Kenny Mansally", which sounds like police codespeak for a serial tranny hooker.

Biggest Holes to Fill: Still got that open space on the ol' trophy case...

2008 Prediction: Taylor Twellman will continue to look like an ass in those Kick-Medic commercials.

Match Preview here.

Game Prediction: Adam Moffat and Taylor Twellman both come in as 2nd half subs. Moffat scores the winner in his return, as Twellman gets put in traction by Frankie Hejduk. Crew win 3-1.

Smitty's Silly Game Preview - Game 8 @ TFC

The Crew are winners of 6 out of the first 7 and 5 in a row. Toronto is starting to look like a formidible opponent. Plus, there's a lot of bad blood between the supporters of these two teams, though that's mainly because the one team keeps beating the other team, and the sucky team's fans won't shut up about how awesome they think they are.

This game is going to be red-hot, and one can only guess if the Plastic Pitch will be able to withstand it...

Toronto F.C.


What You Need to Know: Toronto fans are fond of starting rumors. One of the more recent ones is that Columbus will be moved to Montreal for an expansion team. In that vein, another rumor we've heard is that all Toronto fans have syphillis and AIDS. Both rumors are equal in their veracity.

New Additions: Since the last time Toronto lost to Columbus ("played" Columbus is hardly the term), the Red Snatches have added a guy who rejected a trade to Toronto last year (Amado Guevara), a guy with two first names (Laurent Robert), and a guy who is named after a fictional province in Middle Earth (Rohan Ricketts).

Also, Toronto has added a whole new team of footballers who can play at BMO Field:


Biggest Holes to Fill: The void left in all Canadians hearts by the passing of Chris Benoit...

2008 Prediction: Toronto has a better season than most expected, barely sneaking into the playoffs. There, they will gain their new identity: Columbus' Eastern Conference Finals Bitch.

Match Preview here.

Game Prediction: Danny Dichio sputters against the powerful Chad Marshall, and Amado Guevara shoots blanks as the Crew win a defensive contest 1-0. The goal comes from a Guillermo Barros Schelotto free kick. And the Crew keep rolling...

Paint the Town Yellow...

While the group we're bringing to the great white north is no where near the size the Toronto lackeys brought to Crew Stadium, the few that are going can still make quite the...um..."impact."



Since it's a long drive, I'm sure many of you will be in need of a restroom upon arrival at Toronto. Below are a list of "bathrooms" in the downtown area.



Drink up!

Smitty's Silly Preview: Game 7 at San Jose

The Crew are rolling through the league. And fresh off a clean dispatching of one of the early league leaders, the Yellow Soccer Team will be playing their first game on the West Coast. Fortunately, it's against one of the worst teams in MLS, the San Jose Clash...err...Earthquakes. Also fortunate for the Crew, they get to look in the 2007 mirror to see Kei Kamara and Ned Grabavoy on the other side, with the Quakes are going to be shaking when they get a sight of the Massive Club storming their makeshift field.

San Jose Earthquakes:


What you need to know:
San Jose left back Matt Hatzke will be missing the game due to a National Team callup.

Oh, by the way...that's the U.S. Men's National FUTSAL Team. You know, indoor soccer? Apparently he'd rather play indoor for a team that 90% of U.S. Soccer fans didn't know existed than play for his club team. Of course, who can blame him? After all, it is the Massive Club coming to town.

New additions:
Some Hatian dude; stadium.

Biggest holes to fill:
Can the whole team qualify?

2008 Prediction:
As an expansion team, they are guaranteed to do no worse than last year.

Match preview here.

Game prediction: The game will be closer than most expect as Grabavoy and Kamara play up for their former team. But in honor of Matt Hatzke's service with the Futsal Nats (bless you!) this weekend, I'll say the Crew win with an indoor score of 15-2.

By the way San Jose fans, below are the highlights of Landon Donovan's 3 goal game from ealrier this season. In that game alone, Donovan outscored your entire team FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON. But hey, at least you have as many goals as Alan Gordon.

Smitty's Silly Game Preview: Kansas City

12 points in 5 matches? It's been an unbeliveable start to the season, almost as unbelieveable as a tornado sweeping you up into a world full fo singing midgets, flying monkeys, and technicolor. Let's hope the Crew can keep laying a Black and Yellow brick road all the way to the playoffs. Join me in song won't you!?!

We're off to see the Wizards! The terrible Wizards who suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Kandas City Wizards


What you need to know:
Goalkeeper Kevin Hartman consumes 47 pounds of alfalfa per day.

New additions:
Jerseys with the name on the front as well, so people will know who they are.

Biggest holes to fill:
Insert "Kevin Hartman mouth" joke here.

2008 Prediction:
They need courage, they need heart, they need a brain. But they have plenty of Dorothies on the team. Expect the Wiz to go the way of the Wicked Witch of the West.

Match preiew here.

Game Prediction: The Crew once face a challenge at home, and once again, Alejandro Moreno plays hard for Crewfighter (podcast joke). Moreno scores in 4 straight, and the Crew go on to win this game 3-2.

Smitty's Silly Match Preview: Game 5 - Houston

The Massive Columbus Crew return to defend the home turf after the utter dismantling of DC on the road. Houston are limping in with no wins through four games. Are they wounded or desperate?

Houston Dynamo


What You Need to Know:
Using nicknames like “D-Ro” makes you sound like a douchebag.

New Additions:
(in the Dynamo Corporate mailbox) A “thank-you” note from the Crew for giving us Alejandro Moreno last season…

Biggest Holes to Fill:
The void left by Columbus Reject Joseph Ngwenya.

Also, as one of the fattest cities in America, we’re guessing the Houston fans have to either fill that giant ham hole on their face quite often, or face a diabetic coma.

2008 Prediction:
Have you seen how the Rockets are doing in the NBA Playoffs? It’s kind of like that…

Match Preview here.

Game Prediction:
Alejandro Moreno runs his “games with goals”-streak to three, and Robbie Rogers again finds the net. Crew win with the familiar score 2-1.

Game 4: At DC United

The Crew have a short week after slamming 4 goals into the back of the Chivas net. Can they keep the offensive mojo working in our nation's capital?

DC UNI-TED SUCKS!


What You Need to Know:
They just lost 4-0 to Real Fuckin' Salt Lake.

New Additions:
Apparently, they just added a 4-0 loss to their record. To a team, let us remind you, whose name is "Royal Salt Lake."

Biggest Holes to Fill:
The new one they got ripped open by Real Salt Lake.

2008 Prediction:
DC will eventually regain their form, and start to play some decent soccer in the summer, only to barely miss the playoffs by three points...that they didn't pick up against Real Salt Lake!

Match preview here.

Game prediction: The Crew get points on the road, but just one. They tie 3-3 off goals from Robbie Rogers, Eddie Gaven, and Adam Moffat.

Why do I think Robbie will get another goal, even though DC will be marking him like a red-tagger at the after Christmas sale? Becasue of this tremendous quote I read from Stev Sirk's great notebook column on the Crew's website:

"Guillermo talks to me a lot in practice and in games and tells me what he wants me to do," said Rogers. "He's got a lot of experience and I'm pretty young and like to run a lot, so I try to get into spaces where he can get me the ball."

If Guillermo takes the kid under his wings, and Robbie continues to advance, watch out. The combination could be deadly.

Also, don't forget what happened the last time Mr. Rogers went to DC's Neighborhood:


Finally, for everyone heading out to the game tomorrow in DC, here's a nice little bit of advice for how to defend yourself in case of a dust up:

Game 3: Chivas USA

The Crew have suffered their first loss of the season, to go with their first and only win. Is this the week for their first tie?

Chivas USA

What You Need to Know:
Their nickname is "The Goats". Also, they'll mow your lawn for cheap.

New Additions:
About 19 members of their extended family.

Biggest Holes to Fill:
Mulchbeds across the nation.

2008 Prediction:
While there is some disagreement about whether or not Chivas entered MLS legally, the fact is they are here, and now we have to figure out what to do with them.

Chivas match preview here.

Game Prediction: Despite their impressive start, Chivas will have a tough time gaining three points with the Nordecke in full swing. Problem is, so will the Crew. 1-1 draw with Eddie Gaven knocking in a rebound for the Crew.

Finally, if you want to see new Chivas forward Alecko Eskandarian playing miniature golf, watch Part 2 of "A Day in the Life of Alecko Eskandarian", filmed when he played for the the Scum:


Honestly, I expected this to be a video of him falling down whenever someone walked past him, then running up behind them and kicking their knees in 5 minutes later. Maybe that's Part 1...

Pouvez-vous m'entendre maintenant ?

Among the many things Crew fans worry about in their day to day lives, one hopes that Sigi Schmid's cell phone contents ranks very low on the list. I doubt many people are currently wondering what ringer the man has, or who are in his "Five."

Almost unbelievably, I happen to know both of those answers:

Ringer
Tokio Hotel - Monsoon

Sigi's Five
1. Mark McCullers
2. Valerie Schmid
3. Bobby Warzycha
4. Thierry Henry
5. Alexi Lalas (for prank call purposes only)

Perhaps some of you balked at number four on the list in Sigi's Five. Perhaps some of you are also wondering how I learned such privileged information. (Let's just say I am not above looking at some one's cell phone while it's lying on the bar.) But regardless of how I know what I know, or if you even cared prior to this moment, Crew Nation now has a reason to be interested in Sigmund's mobile. Don't believe me? Check out this piece of info gleaned from the excellent Crew blog Shawn Mitchell writes for The Dispatch.

“I don’t think you’re going to get Thierry Henry to come to Columbus because it’s too far for him to go to watch LeBron play,” Schmid joked. “I was going to call him and tell him that the NBA team is leaving Seattle. He might not be aware of that, at least until he sees Tony Parker.”

So, let me get this straight, Sigs: You have the phone number to one of the most famous soccer players in the known world? What, are you guys chummy? Do you call each other after Henry's scored for Barcelona, while your forwards can't even manage two SHOTS on goal, and laugh about the good old days, when he didn't come to UCLA, and you weren't coaching in the English Premier League? Were you text messaging wildly the first time you saw him on the Gillette Fusion commerical?

If you read that full article, you'll also note that Sigi once again takes a chance to say that Columbus is a town where you'll get family men and younger players. But the superstars won't come here because it lacks a certain panache', if you will. He then goes into his little fantasy of having Thierry Henry's cell phone, which I can assure you, he doesn't. While I have many, many well-founded doubts about the HSG's ability or willingness to sign a player who requires a multi-million dollar transfer fee and salary, I don't think it's too much to ask for the coach of the local team to at least pretend like HE enjoys being here. Stop talking about how Thierry Henry and David Beckham won't come to Columbus. Stop talking about how only the people who don't go out after 9pm will like this town. Columbus may not be L.A., but it's not Topeka, Kansas either.

Meanwhile, the Crew are still having trouble getting Emmanuel Ekpo into camp. From the above article:

“We’re still working on it,” Schmid said of the Crew’s attempt to sign the Nigerian midfielder. “It’s not completely dead yet. But it’s getting close to (transfer close date) to the 15th rolling around so we’re hoping to get it done by then.”

OK, now I'm really confused. Apparently, Sigi Schmid, the soccer power broker who can dial up Thierry Henry to give him some friendly advice, doesn't have the mojo to get the Nigerian Soccer Federation to grease the skids?

Look, I'm not trying to be a downer here, but this is the same "Shucks! We just missed him" attitude the Crew and Sigi in particular displayed last year when it came to signing that mythical DP. That same attitude has continued with the Maciej Zurawski debacle, which was not completely the Crew's fault. But now we're having trouble getting a discovery signing to come in, someone who may get here and be the African version of Jacob Thomas, for all we know. Again, I know that's not all Ekpo's fault, and that is somewhat comparing apples to the proverbial oranges. The point is, the Crew is once again faced with the possibility of missing out on a player who could answer one of the problems we have had the last three years.

I don't expect the Crew to be able to convince Thierry Henry to lace up a pair of Black and Gold boots, but if we can't even pay the money to get a discovery player who impressed the coaches in camp, how are we ever going to believe that the Crew will unload the necessary cash to make this club a winner? And if the coach is constantly taking potshots at the town, how are the potential players we want ever going to take Columbus seriously?

Hello? Front office...Can you hear me now?

Game 2: at New York Red Bulls

Fresh off a correct score prediction from last week, CTID tries to go 2/2 on the predictions tip. OK, so I got the goal scorers wrong, but I'll make up for it this week.

New York Red Bulls


What you need to know:
JPA and Altidore are the only non-shitty parts of this team.

New additions:
Jaeger, scooter for Claudio Reyna.

Biggest hole to fill:
Giants Stadium, at least for this year.

2008 Prediction:
Like the nimble co-ed who thinks she can hold her liquor, the Energy Drinks will start off strong, but eventually end up all wobbly and passed out on a park bench in front of their apartement. So, they're missing the playoffs. Also, if Jozy Altidore transfers to Europe, add the phrase "Roofies" to the previous analogy.

NYRB match preview here.

Game prediction:
Moffat scores again, and Robbie Rogers tallies for the first time as well. Both are assisted by Guillermo Barros Schelotto. JPA gets his first goal, but that's it, and the Crew win 2-1.

Finally, if you're going to the game, here a video of what to expect from the NY fans, especially the Long Island fans:

More Class from Toronto

Or is that "Jackasses from Toronto"? Either way, here's the visual evidence:




A lot of the TFC fans complained that there were not adequate bathroom facilities near their tailgate lot, thus forcing them to urinate on the gate in front of the church. Also,
this article seems to corroborate all the reports of the TFC fans littering up their parking lot. Again, the Red Snatch Boys argument is that there were no trash cans nearby to dispose of their waste.

I'm sorry, but it takes a certain level of hoser to leave a parking lot completely trashed, especially when you're visiting from out of town. And the douchebag quotient is off the scale when your fans are also taking a piss on a chain-link fence in front of a church. Maybe I don't properly understand urination etiquette , but I always thought the idea of peeing on a structure or building was twofold:

1. To prevent someone from accidentally walking into the stream
2. To have a modicum of privacy, and the decency of not showing your rod to whomever may have the misfortune of standing across from you.

How are either of those accomlished by relieving yourself on a chain-link fence? Obviously, people are going to see you, from front and behind. And unless you've got very good aim, it's kind of like shooting a BB gun at a tennis net, so it's not stopping the stream. Factor in the fact that the people who called in to complain were IN THE CHURCH, and you can see where most Crew fans are getting a little peeved by the soccer fans from the North.

I'm all for a good show, and the TFC boys did that in the stadium. But any goodwill they might have garnered for either Toronto or soccer fans in general is negated by the actions of these heartless bastards. Do us a favor next time you come to Crew Stadium: If you have to take a leak, do it behind one of the 27 buses you brought, not directly in front of a ladies auxillary meeting, OK?

Game 1: Toronto F.C.

Sorry for the long layoff. But it's time for the 2008 Crew season, so let's get right to it. Here's the first match preview for 2008 season:

Toronto F.C.



What you need to know:
They're all a bunch of douchebags.

New additions:
Vaginas for everyone!

Biggest holes to fill:
Ass-.

2008 Prediction:
Like a torture victim in a Thai prison, they will be sodomized repeatedly, then forgotten about for many years.


T.F.C. match preview here.

Game prediction:
Crew beat the shit out of Toronto, 2-0 Black and Gold. Goals scored by Schelotto and Rogers.

Exhibition Games

Apparently the Crew didn't do so hot against Shitcago, losing 3-2. Damn it. Even though it's just an exhibition, I hate to lose to those bastards. Also, their Polish trialist Tomasz Frankowski scored twice in 3 minutes, which should make the Shitcago Aryan Brotherhood very happy. Racists.

Oh, and in case you're keeping score, our almost Polish player, Doucheski, and his suck-ass 3rd division Greek squad got hit by an earthquake.



Can't stand that guy.