Funny that no one really was thinking this way when we were winning 6 out of the first 7.
Personally, I have posited only one name into this argument of who the Crew should go after, and that's this guy. I feel that rampant speculation and wishing only leads to more heartbreak when the seemingly impossible proves to be, in fact, impossible. But would you believe I think the Crew have a legitimate shot at a true scoring threat who had 19 goals in England last season and who has 67 goals in just over 100 caps for his national team? Believe it or not, the Crew not only have a shot at him, they already have a locker nameplate for him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, the person we should all be lobbying Mark McCullers, Sigi Schmid, and Brian Bliss to sign as our designated player, is named John.
Stern John.
Fresh off stints in Southampton, Sunderland, and Birmingham City, John is not an offensive-minded midfielder, or a wing-mid, or a two-way player who will get you 6-7 goals. Stern John is a true forward, nay....a STRIKER. Yes, striker. A player who really only cares about scoring, who comes to the park everyday knowing the reason he is on the team is to score goals. Believe it or not, some teams actually have these guys. And Stern John not only knows how to score, he scores in ways that absolutely demolish the other team. He gets hat tricks in the 2nd half. He scores in stoppage time. Consistently, when the team needs a goal, he finds a way to tickle the twine.
Now, before we get much further into this, I know this type of signing would darn near force Sigi into playing with two forwards, which apparently he hates to do. I can only guess he hates this approach, seeing as how we have a whole dive team of forwards sitting on the bench while Moreno gets hammered all alone at the top of the box. So to make this work for Sigi, we would need to only refer to him as "the Crew's new scoring-oriented D-mid who happens to only play in the offensive third."
Some older Crew fans know all too well what Stern John can do, because he did it here in Columbus first. In 1998, John had 26 goals for the Crew, including 7 multi-goal games. He followed it up the next year by christening the Crew Stadium grounds with 18 more goals. All in all, he had 44 goals in 55 appearances with the Black and Gold. By the way, that's two fewer games played than Eddie Gaven had at the start of this season, but 35 more goals than Gaven has for the Crew. Warrants mentioning.
If you never saw him in a Crew kit, here's one of John's masterpieces from that opening season in the House That Lamar Built:
Things I loved about this goal, which was similar to many of the goals he scored for Columbus:
- It turned zero points into one (actually three, because the Crew won that game in a shootout, back when in MLS had the "let's try to hook non-soccer fans" rules, which also included the running-down clock.) Stern John has scored clutch goals throughout his career.
- It got the entire stadium off their feet and jumping. Old people, young people, crippled people...everyone was going nuts when he hit that shot home. His goals mesmerized those crowds back in the day.
- It ripped the heart out of the opposing team. Even the broadcasters, who were San Jose locals, couldn't hide the anguish. And Joe Cannon (yes, the SAME Joe Cannon) laying prostrate on the ground will forever be burned into my gray matter.
- It was done with a cocky swagger. Stern John isn't going to out-hustle Frankie Hejduk, or out-think Brian Carrol. No, Stern John is going stand around, not track back, get caught offside, and argue with the refs. He's also going to have his collar popped, beat you with a disgusting, "I can't believe I just saw that!"-type of play, and then rip his shirt off or flex his muscles. If it were a country song, Stern John would have slept with your girlfriend, stole your dog and your truck, and even cut the strings on your guitar.
Granted, the legend of Stern John was built when he was much younger. He was 22 and 23 during his two seasons with the Crew. Still, he did just have 19 goals for a side that nearly got relegated from the Championship. Apparently, even if there isn't talent around him, he can get his goals. Also, no matter how old you get, you can't unlearn shots like this one, from 2006:
OK, so now that I've whet your appetite for the "A+" T&T forward, you're asking "How good of a shot do we have of getting him?" Well that depends on a few things, one of which we know, one we don't, and one we can reasonably surmise.
What we don't know: Does anyone in the Crew F.O. even know that this guy is still playing? Outside of Bob Rifle and Mike Lapper, I wouldn't be shocked if Sigi or McCullers scratch their heads at the mention of his name. And, I say this in the most literal sense, only God Himself knows if HSG would care to sign him for more than a couple of large Pizza Hut Pizzas even if the Crew want him.
Bottom line: We don't know what the Crew F.O. is thinking, so let's not get our hopes up just yet. But, to carry the discussion along further, let's pretend they are interested in John.
What we do know: He's going to be available, for the right price. Southampton, John's current team, is under new management. Nigel Pearson was relieved of his coaching duties and replaced by former Dutch National Teamer Jan Poortvliet, whose last name sounds like a French toilet. Typically, when there is a new coach in town, especially in Jolly Old Ingerland, they like to bring in the new blood along with the new coach. Plus, this statement from the board of Southampton may be intriguing as well:
"...The board have been looking closely at the situation on the playing side of the club whereby we are inevitably going to have to depend to a large extent on the quality of our youngsters in the academy and the reserve team. "
Not exactly a vote of confidence in the current roster, of which John is a part. And of course, we're not implying that he's gone, but if the Crew want to make an offer, you can bet Southampton would be listening. He's not young, but certainly not old, as he won't turn 32 until October of this year.
Bottom line: If you're looking to rebuild, 31 is not the age to start with. However, if you're looking for a seasoned goal scorer to ignite an already potent attack (assuming everyone is healthy), then 31 is just fine.
What we can surmise: If John was to leave England, he would want to play in Columbus. Think about it:
- He'd be closer to his family in the States and National Team in Trinidad and Tobago.
- He could make bank as a DP.
- He's 19 goals away from becoming the all-time leading goal scorer for the Crew.
- He still knows people here, and would get to work with some of his old teammates.
- He could win a championship.
Bottom Line: If John were to consider another go in MLS, Columbus would be perfect for him.
Will we get him? Who knows. But if the Crew don't sign a DP this offseason, it won't be because the Crew Nation is short on ideas.
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